What is shock? It's a sudden, violent disturbance to the body. Have you encountered this paralyzing reaction? What are the circumstances? Mine has been in the grief process of losing both my parents within 40 days of each other.
A numbess, an awareness that I wasn't in control, a realization that there's something missing from my life now. There are days that I can go on and everything seems good, and then all of a sudden, out of the blue I am overtaken. The shock really hasn't worn off... and I am grief stricken. I feel powerless to cope. And to think striaght? Hardly!
So what do I do? I would like to say that I immediately go to Jesus, but I am human after all. But then I feel His hand gently leading me to Himself. And I realize that I can do nothing to make it better on my own, that I am totally dependent on Him for His guidance through this process.
"The Lord will give strength to His people; the Lord will bless His people with peace." Psalm 29:11
Oh Lord, my feet have been swept out from under me, but in Your loving arms I am steady and secure. Amen.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
It's been long enough?
Today has been a really difficult day for me. It started last night, as I lay in bed... I started sobbing, feeling so alone. Thoughts of Mom and Dad flooding my thoughts.... I kept reliving my travels with Dad to Concord and Laconia for his treatments, taking Mom to the nursing home and hospital for our visits with Dad, and her monthly visits for her doctor's appointments... moving them to our home and sitting with them on their last days, holding their hands whispering to them "I love you!" Reading the 23 Psalm and singing to them "Amazing Grace", "In the Garden" and "The Old Ruggged Cross".
Then I think of the "well intentioned" friends that have tried to offer their help and encouragement... "I know exactly how you feel" and "You need to get on with it, it's been long enough" and "They wouldn't want you to be so sad". Maybe I am holding on. Maybe I should get over it. Maybe it's been long enough.
Then I sit and read my Bible and devotional. And I read that grieving is okay. That it is part of the healing process. And there is no time limit on grieving. And everyone goes through the grieving process differently. And that process can't be shut down because of time. And no one else knows how I feel as we all experience grief differently. God made us all different. YAY!!!
"You have to take a day at a time. Tomorrow may be different." So I am taking it one day at a time, good days, not so good days.... I am me, and I will experience things differently than others, and that's okay...
So, here is my prayer... Jesus, it is only by Your grace that I can be healed. I commit my grieving process to You right now, and I promise to see this process through. Amen.
Then I think of the "well intentioned" friends that have tried to offer their help and encouragement... "I know exactly how you feel" and "You need to get on with it, it's been long enough" and "They wouldn't want you to be so sad". Maybe I am holding on. Maybe I should get over it. Maybe it's been long enough.
Then I sit and read my Bible and devotional. And I read that grieving is okay. That it is part of the healing process. And there is no time limit on grieving. And everyone goes through the grieving process differently. And that process can't be shut down because of time. And no one else knows how I feel as we all experience grief differently. God made us all different. YAY!!!
"You have to take a day at a time. Tomorrow may be different." So I am taking it one day at a time, good days, not so good days.... I am me, and I will experience things differently than others, and that's okay...
So, here is my prayer... Jesus, it is only by Your grace that I can be healed. I commit my grieving process to You right now, and I promise to see this process through. Amen.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Losing a part of yourself.......
Today has been a day of reflection and remembering for me. I have this great devotional given me by a wonderful friend titled "Through a Season of Grief - Devotions for your journey from mourning to joy". It's not always an easy read, it makes me think and gives me things to do as I go through this grieving process.
Today's devotional title is "Losing a Part of Yourself". I've never really thought of it like that, I have made the comment that I am an orphan now, so I guess I was subconsciously thinking it. This is the first paragraph of the devotional, and I have read it over and over again, and yes, shed some tears..
"The loss of a close family member creates extra depth and complexity to your grief. You shared a special and intimate connection with your loved one, and this relationship helped define who you were. Losing this person has literally ripped you apart on the inside, leaving you unsure of your own identity."
And a question I have asked over and over is "How am I supposed to go on without them?" My teachers, role models, friends, cheerleaders, the ones that shared my private jokes, my listeners, and the list goes on and on... my parents are gone.... so who am I?
Should my identity only be found in them? No, but they have brought me up and been great role models.. So this is what I am going to do. I am thankful to God that I was born to these two special people to be my parents. But, that is not where my identity comes from, yes they were wonderful parents and I loved them dearly and miss them like crazy, but my identity can be found in Christ Jesus.
"If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love loves in God, and God in him"
1 John 4:15-16
Lord Jesus, piece me back together again with Your unfailing love. Amen.
Today's devotional title is "Losing a Part of Yourself". I've never really thought of it like that, I have made the comment that I am an orphan now, so I guess I was subconsciously thinking it. This is the first paragraph of the devotional, and I have read it over and over again, and yes, shed some tears..
"The loss of a close family member creates extra depth and complexity to your grief. You shared a special and intimate connection with your loved one, and this relationship helped define who you were. Losing this person has literally ripped you apart on the inside, leaving you unsure of your own identity."
And a question I have asked over and over is "How am I supposed to go on without them?" My teachers, role models, friends, cheerleaders, the ones that shared my private jokes, my listeners, and the list goes on and on... my parents are gone.... so who am I?
Should my identity only be found in them? No, but they have brought me up and been great role models.. So this is what I am going to do. I am thankful to God that I was born to these two special people to be my parents. But, that is not where my identity comes from, yes they were wonderful parents and I loved them dearly and miss them like crazy, but my identity can be found in Christ Jesus.
"If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love loves in God, and God in him"
1 John 4:15-16
Lord Jesus, piece me back together again with Your unfailing love. Amen.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I am sitting here listening to a CD titled Reflections, Praise and Worship Piano by Eric Wyse. So calming and relaxing. Thinking about everything that I have been doing this week in preparation for this coming weekend. Yes, a yard sale is taking shape for the weekend, cleaning out the "homestead" making it ready for our move in.
I am finding boxes and boxes of stuff, I know that they were treasures to the ones that packed it all, but I am finding much of it has little to no meaning to me. I am however finding some treasures that I will keep and that my brother will want... some special handmade pottery and painted ceramics that our parents have lovingly made. We have taken a piece or two that especially means something to us, and have invited my Dad's siblings in to choose something they might want as a special memory. Dad's old baseball gloves... to hold them close and smell the old leather and remembering him on the baseball field playing first base... police and deputy sheriff patches and badges and remembering him looking so handsome in his uniforms, and remembering how proud I was to have him as my dad.
It's been difficult finding so much, but at the same time, it has given me a chance to reminisce and shed tears and laugh, and yes, to also say out loud, "Mom, what were you thinking?" and then a smile... I can almost hear her say... you never know, you might need that someday... I know she kept everything and that it had some special meaning, but I would love to have gone through this all with her so that she could tell me what it all meant... Oh how I miss going through the photos with her and hearing her stories of growing up.
I miss Mom and Dad so much. There is a big hole in my heart with them gone, but going through all this stuff, that hole is filling up with the memories.... it's hard to think that they are gone, but they will never be forgotten, their memories will live on....
I love you Mom and Dad... I hope you knew how much...
I am finding boxes and boxes of stuff, I know that they were treasures to the ones that packed it all, but I am finding much of it has little to no meaning to me. I am however finding some treasures that I will keep and that my brother will want... some special handmade pottery and painted ceramics that our parents have lovingly made. We have taken a piece or two that especially means something to us, and have invited my Dad's siblings in to choose something they might want as a special memory. Dad's old baseball gloves... to hold them close and smell the old leather and remembering him on the baseball field playing first base... police and deputy sheriff patches and badges and remembering him looking so handsome in his uniforms, and remembering how proud I was to have him as my dad.
It's been difficult finding so much, but at the same time, it has given me a chance to reminisce and shed tears and laugh, and yes, to also say out loud, "Mom, what were you thinking?" and then a smile... I can almost hear her say... you never know, you might need that someday... I know she kept everything and that it had some special meaning, but I would love to have gone through this all with her so that she could tell me what it all meant... Oh how I miss going through the photos with her and hearing her stories of growing up.
I miss Mom and Dad so much. There is a big hole in my heart with them gone, but going through all this stuff, that hole is filling up with the memories.... it's hard to think that they are gone, but they will never be forgotten, their memories will live on....
I love you Mom and Dad... I hope you knew how much...
Thursday, August 18, 2011
So much easier said than done....
Every morning the music of Hillsong plays gently "God of all Creation", and I go out and spend time admiring His creation from the Back Porch or Front Porch, thanking Him for yet another day. My morning is good, pleasant, most of the time peace filled and peaceful. I love my mornings! And then distractions, frustrations, hurts, challenges and a host of other stuff get in the way.
I've been challenged to be in the Word more, pray more, be in fellowship with God more.... I know full well that this is what I need to do, so this week I dove in head first. A Bible is readily available wherever I am, work or home, even in the car. I'm spending more time talking with God, and not at God.
And, suffice to say it has been a difficult week, as I'm sure it has been for a lot of other people. It's been physically challenging with not feeling well, having Melissa in her last week before leaving for college, not being able to spend time with Michelle and her family, grieving with family and friends over deaths and family problems, and the list goes on and on. Oh yes, it's been a very difficult week. But I have to say, that I have been at peace through it all, well for the most part... I have the occasional heart pangs of feeling it's too much, and then I remember that I need to grab the Word, hold fast to it, because I know that He will not give me more than I can handle.
As I read and remember verses a peace floods my soul to overflowing, He blesses me with His presence and He wraps His arms around me and comforts me. Oh what a feeling that is. I am not alone, we are not alone. He is my refuge, my shelter, my everything. Oh how I need to remember that.
John 14:27; Philippians 4:6,7,13; 1Thessalonians 5:16-18; Philippians 4:4. He gives us peace like no one else can, He is our strength like no one else is. I should be rejoicing, always! Giving thanks in all circumstances, praying continually, this is His will for me. Rejoice in the Lord always! Again I say, rejoice!
I am going to continue being in the Word, praying, thanking and praising, and oh yes I will be conversing ... and I know that it is not always going to be an easy road. But, with God on my side, I can do it... because "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13.
I've been challenged to be in the Word more, pray more, be in fellowship with God more.... I know full well that this is what I need to do, so this week I dove in head first. A Bible is readily available wherever I am, work or home, even in the car. I'm spending more time talking with God, and not at God.
And, suffice to say it has been a difficult week, as I'm sure it has been for a lot of other people. It's been physically challenging with not feeling well, having Melissa in her last week before leaving for college, not being able to spend time with Michelle and her family, grieving with family and friends over deaths and family problems, and the list goes on and on. Oh yes, it's been a very difficult week. But I have to say, that I have been at peace through it all, well for the most part... I have the occasional heart pangs of feeling it's too much, and then I remember that I need to grab the Word, hold fast to it, because I know that He will not give me more than I can handle.
As I read and remember verses a peace floods my soul to overflowing, He blesses me with His presence and He wraps His arms around me and comforts me. Oh what a feeling that is. I am not alone, we are not alone. He is my refuge, my shelter, my everything. Oh how I need to remember that.
John 14:27; Philippians 4:6,7,13; 1Thessalonians 5:16-18; Philippians 4:4. He gives us peace like no one else can, He is our strength like no one else is. I should be rejoicing, always! Giving thanks in all circumstances, praying continually, this is His will for me. Rejoice in the Lord always! Again I say, rejoice!
I am going to continue being in the Word, praying, thanking and praising, and oh yes I will be conversing ... and I know that it is not always going to be an easy road. But, with God on my side, I can do it... because "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
I am back!
July 29, 2010 was one of the best days of my life. Receiving a telephone call from son-in-law Joel that our first grandchild had been born. Michelle and Noah were well... Noah Ezra Brown... what a wonderful name! Has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? A healthy 10lb 11oz 23"L, healthy baby boy...
I started packing my overnight bag, 'cause we were going to be heading out to see Noah... and this mom wanted to make sure that her daughter was okay as well... knowing a bit of what she had to go through for Noah to arrive.
Oh, what a joy to see her, and to see the miracle of life laying in her arms. My daughter was now a mother, that is totally awesome!
To hold Noah for the first time brought memories flooding back of the first time I held our girls, and as I write this I am starting to tear up... miracles of life!
Hard to believe that a whole year has gone by, and my "little man" has celebrated his 1st birthday. Where has the time gone?I am still in awe of this miracle of life. Loving every minute of being a Grammie. What a joy it is!
Happy first year "little man"! And happy first year of parenthood Michelle and Joel! What great parents you are... so proud of you!
What am I doing here?
WOW!!! I haven't been here in so long... why I am now is a mystery to me... I must have something to write... *shrugging shoulders*. I do? Hmmmm.......
I think I will return later, when I get my thoughts in order....
I think I will return later, when I get my thoughts in order....
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