Wrapping my head around it all.....

Quite the title, huh?  Well, I have been trying for quite some time to wrap my head around a lot of things....  really not knowing where to begin.   Or even what I was really looking for and needed.

I've been doing a lot of reading, mostly how to books...  "What Happens When Women Say Yes To God",  What Happens When Women Walk In Faith", "Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl", "Refresh Your Heart", and the list goes on and on...  nothing really seeming to hit it for me.  Not that these aren't great books, and great topics.  They have helped me stay in the Word, and given me some insight, but I needed something else...  what was it?

I saw an advertisement about a book written by Dr. David Dean, titled "Good Grief".  A book he had written after his dear wife Dorothy had passed away.  I have fond memories of them as they stayed with us a couple of times when David came and spoke at CBC, and we joined them camping one weekend at Alton Bay Campground for a Harvest weekend.   I thought, why not read his book, I was having issues with this whole grieving thing...  This has been the best book for me to pick up and read about the topic.  He is so honest in his feelings, I actually read a couple of things to my David as they were issues that I was dealing with and didn't understand them.  Wrapping my head around my grief...  yes, that is one thing I really need to do... 

Then at a WH&FMS board meeting recently, a book was brought up, and a new ministry suggested about women getting healthier physically...  YES!!!!   Well, it is something I need to do, and I would have great accountability partners...  they would certainly keep me on my toes.  I ordered the book titled "Fat Chance; Losing the Weight, Gaining My Worth" by Julie Hadden.  It arrived this morning, and I have started my reading...  What a great book!  Her life seems a lot like mine...  well, what mine used to be.  Stay at home mom, putting everyone else first, and whatever was left of the day or whatever was for me...  She is so honest...  I am not very far into the book, but I have cheated and looked ahead at some exercises and healthy eating tips and recipes that I know I can put into practice now...  this is another area that I have been trying to wrap my head around...  How can I do this alone?  I don't have too.... 

And the most important book that I have recently made a much bigger commitment to read is the Bible.  I have been reading it every day, but I sometimes don't think about what it says, I go through the motions...  I read it, put it down and move on to the next task at hand.  Now, I have committed to not just pick it up and read it, but to take time and study what it says .  Read the foot notes, really think about what is saying to me.  This has been so good for me.  I want to know what God's plan is for me, I need to wrap my head around what and who He wants me to be.  I need to seek His will...  not mine... 

I've got a long ways to go....   and I will continue in my quest to wrap my head around what He has in store for me...

So these are a few things I am doing to wrap my head around it all...  It's been a tough couple of years, and quite honestly I haven't been where I needed to be a lot of the time.  I haven't known how to deal with me...  I have distanced myself from those I love...  I haven't been happy with me...  I want to change, I will work on it, pray with me, pray for me, and I will continue in my endeavors to "wrap my head around it all".

Inspired and encouraged... blessed

I don't know how to begin this really.  I've been sitting here in the office today, thinking of all those that have been an inspiration, encouragement and blessing to me since I became a Christian, and for that matter prior to...    If they hadn't been obedient to the Lord, I wouldn't be here today...  so here I go...  trying to put all of my thoughts into this blog.  I think this will be a big thank you blog...  because without you...  well, you know...

Susan, the first to show me what God's love felt like.  She was always there, answering questions, sharing her faith, friendship, she accepted me for who I was...

Betty, you prayed for me.  thank you for your friendship even before I became "one of the family". 

Cindy, an example of a godly woman, wife, mother...  a friend and mentor.

Priscilla, awesome friend and devoted wife, living by example.

Caro, my surrogate grandmother.  Always encouraging, loving, sharing recipes, accepting.

Becky, even though I have only known you for a few years, you have encouraged me, you have inspired me through your words,  I have grown because of your messages and encouragement.

Mom, your example of loving your husband, through the good and bad times, always being there for Bud and me, putting the family first over "stuff".  An example I am doing my best to follow.

Mom H., Grammie Jessie, Wendy, accepting me into your family, loving me before you even knew me.

Wow!  There are so many more women that I feel blessed to have in my life..  Patty, Madeline, Carol, Irene, Mary, Bessie, Linda, Peg, Lucille...  the list goes on and on.

And a very special thank you to Michelle and Melissa.  Your love for the Lord, desire to serve Him, your personal faith in Him....   this Momma's heart is overflowing with love for you and blessed beyond words.  I love you both so much, and am so proud of who you are becoming in the Lord.  You inspire me daily.

So, here it is a great big THANK YOU!!!!   You have all had a part in who I am today.  I can't imagine my life without you. 

Lord, what do you want me to do?

This has been a question I have been trying to get an answer to for many years...  I am kind of impatient, and I would like to run with what I think I should be doing, you know helping God out ahead of time.  Done that, and it hasn't been pretty!

Let me back up a little...  I felt "called" of God to get involved in women's ministry when our girls were in junior/senior high school.  What did that mean?  I didn't know.  I had organized some get togethers and Saturday retreats at my home, fellowship, studies, prayer times....  That started many years ago, and the desire to work with women has only gotten stronger.  But what now? 

Fast forward to 4 months ago.  While sitting in a Missions conference meeting, listening to all the great things the women in the conference were doing...  I felt overwhelmed with a sense of God "calling" me to get involved, but what did that mean?  And then a need was brought before the group, and I asked for prayer.  As the day went on I felt so convicted that I could help with that need I took the step of faith, and said yes.  I was petrified, I must admit.  What did I just say yes to?  I HAD NO IDEA!  But, what I did know was that  God had orchestrated it all.  I was "called" to women's ministry, and I was answering that "call".   Four months later, and I still don't know what I got myself into.  And my question is still "Lord, what do you want me to do?" 

I have been immersing myself in the Word, reading books (and I don't like to read).  Lysa Terkeurst has become a favorite author.  I began reading her book "Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl"....   "What Happens When Women Say Yes To God", and "What Happens When Women Walk In Faith" have made me stop and think BIG TIME.   They are personal and honest books, could be called "self help" books, but they have a study that goes along with them, and it gets you into the Word and challenges your thinking.  That's what I need as I try to get the answer to my question.  So, here I am today...  and after all these years....  and I'm still asking the question. 

This morning I was late to work.  I know, shame on me..  but I just couldn't stop doing what I was doing...  I was looking to God...  I have been challenged by my readings yesterday and then again this morning...  to spend time with Him, to cry out to Him, to stop and listen to Him, to quiet my mind and heart and hear  Him...  so as I sat by the lake, time got so far away from me...   I knew I was where I needed to be at that moment...  tears streaming down my cheeks, blurred vision....   thank you Lord....  and off to work I went...

Lord, I am here...  and I will wait on you...  what is it that you want me to do...  


2 Thessalonians 3:5  Now may the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God and into the patience of Christ.

Hidden treasures....

I've been doing a bit of cleaning out, you know downsizing?  We have moved from a three bedroom home with three walk in closets to a one bedroom with 2 small closets.  So, I have lots of pictures and paintings and "stuff" that has had to be packed and gone through a little at a time, and then off to the dump, or given away, or the famous "yard sale" that not much sold at...  so it ended up being the "free" stuff on the side of the road.

But now, getting on with the story...  I found some treasures that had been packed and hidden away.  I don't know when these were done, the year etc., but I do know that these are some of the treasures that will take center stage in our new home.

    Trivets made by Melissa and Michelle on the left over tiles of Grammie and Grampa's kitchen floor

                                                           Michelle's masterpiece

                                                         Melissa's masterpiece

                            

                                   Another one from Melissa (don't know where this tile came from)
                                     
           I need to find frames for these next two pictures so that I can hang them in the living room.
                                                                Melissa's artwork

                                                              Michelle's artwork

I also found two trivets that my Mom had made when she and Dad were into the ceramic mode in 1998.  I didn't get pictures of them...   but will be using them quite often.

I will probably find more hidden treasures....  finding these has done my heart good...  I can feel it smiling....

I was challenged...

and I haven't lived up to that challenge...  so here is my blog...   Yes, K-Ann.  I will be back to blogging, and it will be, hopefully, weekly.

So, I've posted for this week.....  phew!!!! 

Finally Home...

Sitting here at the computer this morning, looking around at our "home", I am experiencing a warm, happy moment.  Tears are filling my eyes.  Since we moved into my parents place last November, it has been difficult for me to really settle in and think of this as our "home".  It's always been Mom and Dad's, and I have always referred to it as that.  It's the place that I lived for most of my life, where I grew up, and left to go out on my own, to return to when I needed a place to go, a sanctuary of sorts...  to Mom and Dad's.....

Now, I'm looking at it as something different.  It will always be Mom and Dad's place...  but now I'm looking around and seeing it as our "home".  We have put a lot of work and energy to make it the way we wanted it.  David and I worked together to make this our "home", but yet I couldn't even think of it as that.  Don't get me wrong, I love this place, and I love what we have done to make it ours.   But I just couldn't get there...

I think the release of resentment and anger toward God this past weekend has softened my heart so that I can see this place, Mom and Dad's place....  as our "new home".  Tears, joy, love....  that's what I am experiencing right now...

Welcome "home".............. 

Women's Retreat September 14-16, 2012

What an incredible weekend!  I'm going to start from the beginning....   Friday night...   I met Susan at her house and rode with her to Alton Bay.  We had a chance to catch up on things and happenings in our families and at CBC on our way there and on the way home....   The worship was great!  and the message from the guest speaker, Hilda, was challenging...

Saturday morning and I was off to meet Susan once again for our ride to Alton Bay.  Well, I'll spare the details, but we ended up taking our own cars...  first thing to start the mornings retreat was to meet in our prayer and friendship circles, I think there were 11 in our group and such a diverse group (teachers, nurses, stay at home mom's, retirees, etc.)... then off to the sessions...

Through the worship before every session I could feel the Holy Spirit...  such enthusiasm from the worship leaders, and you could tell they loved the Lord as they shared scripture and their talents with all of us....  Praising God with 132 women, sisters in Christ, I felt so blessed to be a part of it...

The sessions were challenging..  "What's behind your mask?"  What is it that you are hiding from facing...  I listened intently to what was being said...   thinking, "what am I hiding?  what mask am I wearing?"  I wasn't coming up with anything....  "maybe I'm not wearing one. but how can that be, I'm certainly not perfect.  I'm definitely not there yet."  I kept listening to what Sharon was saying, intently....  and I didn't have an answer...

Ah, lunch time...  sitting around a table of 8, meeting new people, renewing friendships with others....   sharing and laughing as if we had known each other for ever....  just love that...  and then came an afternoon of activities and free time....  some went hiking, some made jewelry, some napped and me, I went off by myself to read my Bible and pray...

This is what I prayed....   Psalm 139:23 + 24.  "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."   I don't know how many times I read these verses, or prayed these words...  but we had 4 1/2 hours of free time....  so it was more than once....   I studied what it said...  I appealed to God that He would reveal anything and everything to me.  I prayed that He let me see it, and that He remove it from me.  I read through the book of Proverbs, "Hear my cry" over and over....   and I felt nothing.

The last session of the day came...  it was nothing short of beautiful.  Worship and Sharon's message...  we had been given a piece of paper at the beginning of the session, and at the end we were asked to write on that paper what was behind our mask...  I sat there...  with nothing...   then we were asked for those who wanted to to go forward and nail that paper to the cross and give it to Jesus...   I watched as one after another of those sisters in Christ went forward and some gently tapping the nail, and then some others pounding the nail....  and I still hadn't come up with anything....  so I sat there, praying.....  dropping my paper back in my bag....   After the session I decided to go right home, not stay for the prayer and friendship circle time...  I was exhausted, and I had an hour drive home....   needed to be ready for Sunday morning...

Sunday, and oh my goodness....  we slept until 8:30am and I had to leave by 8:45am...   or I had planned on it anyways so that I could have a bit of time without rushing....   I didn't leave home until 9:10am, and I made it there with minutes to spare....  phew!!  Nothing could have prepared me for what was going to happen there that morning....  worship was uplifting, encouraging.  I felt drawn in.  Then testimonies were shared, one right after another...  how God had used the weekend to speak to each one, and then Becky got up to speak...  and I remember clearly hearing the words....  "none of us are perfect", "none of us have reached our goal"....  right then I heard a small voice say "that's right, Sharon...  you're not perfect, you definitely have not reached your goal"....   "I have heard your cry, and you have not heard my reply"...    the tears started to flow, my heart hurt....   I had been praying, but I had not opened my heart to hear...  I am listening now, Lord....   help me....  what have I been hiding...  not letting go of....   resentment and anger...  "you need to deal with these"....  I needed a tissue...  should have used more than one...

I didn't even know that I was holding onto the anger and resentment until that moment.  And then...  yes God....  I have been angry with you, and resented you....  for taking my Mom and Dad from me just a month and a half apart.  I wasn't ready....  You see, my Dad had been diagnosed with lung cancer in July of 2010, my Mom had been diagnosed in 1999 with pulmonary fibrosis of the lungs and bronchial obliterans organized pneumonia....  and in 2000 was diagnosed with breast cancer...  she was a fighter and had been a cancer survivor for all those years with no sign of cancer after her surgery.  I drove Dad to most of his chemo and radiation treatments and Mom would come along and we had some really sweet and precious times together through it all.  Dad shared stories and Mom would laugh.  And I got to really know my parents...  how much they loved each other, and how much they sacrificed for my brother and me as we grew up...  how much they loved us....  We almost lost Dad in October 2010 from his treatments, not the cancer...  but praise the Lord, he pulled through and the next step was a nursing home.  He was getting great care, but he really wanted to come home, so in February we moved him back home.  I spent the first week staying with them, and then because I had work, one of Dad's sister offered to come spend the nights so that I could get some much needed sleep.  Mom and Dad decided that it would be best if they moved in with us, so March 5 we moved them down...  each in their wheelchairs....  what a ride they got going through the snow....  Things were going well...  Mom was much more relaxed and had started eating better...  Dad was Dad...  not much else to say...  I loved having them with us...  Dad's sisters and two niece's would take turns coming in to stay with them Monday through Friday so I could work, and my brother would come on Sundays for a couple of  hours so that David and I could go to church.  Can't say that it wasn't hard at times, actually most of the time, but I would do it all again if given the chance...   Then we started noticing Mom getting weaker, and she was the strong one..   She developed pneumonia that was diagnosed on April 3, and on the morning of April 6th, 2011 while I was sitting on the floor holding her hand and singing Amazing Grace, Mom took her last breath.  Heartbreak!  Why God?  Why?  I had to hold it together...  Dad needed to be told so my brother and I sat beside him and told him, I took him to the bedroom to say his goodbyes...  the hardest thing I have ever had to do was to watch my Dad cry and hug and kiss the woman he had loved for 56 1/2 years, and to say his final goodbye...  From that point on, Dad didn't eat much, he refused xrays and medicines...  the hospice nurses and doctor felt his cancer was spreading, and on May 17, 2011 while my brother and I were sitting with him, Dad took his last breath.   It was okay, I was okay....

but, it wasn't okay and I wasn't okay, and it took this weekend to realize it.  I resented God for taking Mom and Dad away from me...  I was angry with Him for taking them away from me...  oh how my heart was aching...  and then I felt His arms wrapped around me, comforting me, telling me it was okay, and that He loved me.  And He reminded me that I will see them again...  you see Dad had received Christ December 18, 2010 while at the nursing home with a very dear friend of mine, and Mom received Christ March 17, 2011 with me in her room at home.

I know that God is not finished with me yet, as I still have not reached that finish line.... Philippians 3:12-16.

Thank you Becky and Sharon for sharing the same vision.  For your love and caring enough to bring the message that was shared.  Thank you Marilyn and Jennie for your hearts of worship as you led us to the foot of the cross.  Thank you to the prayer leaders, the cooks in the kitchen, the behind the scenes people that made it all come together...  It's a weekend that I was blessed to be a part of...