Yes, sometimes it's hard. Life was not promised to be easy. But God... He can give us the strength and help to make it through the hard times. And I am so grateful for that, because I can't do this life on my own.
Thursday, May 23, 2024
Wednesday, October 14, 2020
Attitude change.
I thought I would just share a bit about how my attitude has changed since 2017.
Every time I think about what could have happened, I have tears that roll down my cheeks. I have a love of life that is beyond my wildest dreams, I love my family more than ever, and I love my God more than I ever thought would be possible. I have made a choice to be more present in this life, in my families life, my church families life. I'm learning to accept me, my body, and all its flaws.
In two days (June 13 and 14, 2017) my body went through two traumatic events, a total hip replacement and a stroke. And I am still here. I am left with a slight limp from the surgery with one leg being a slight bit longer than the other, and have a loss of eyesight (right side homonymous hemianopsia) from the stroke. But, I am still here. I am ready to serve my Jesus in whatever He calls me to, to love on my family whenever and however I can, and to do what I can to share with my church family.
The love I have for my guy just gets deeper and stronger every day. It's like falling in love with him over and over again.
Oh, I've had days that I just can't... just have a pity party... but then I remember I was spared death for a reason. God's not done with me yet. I have a purpose and a mission, and I am going to pursue whatever it is.
There you have it, I've had an attitude adjustment. And I am loving how it has made me more alive.
This is a short video of the loss of eyesight if you are interested. https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=homonymous+hemianopsia&docid=608025631137074750&mid=F97D2B24DA9503AA1269F97D2B24DA9503AA1269&view=detail&FORM=VIRE
Tuesday, August 11, 2020
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
I just read a lesson on this verse written by Liz Curtis Higgs and also watched her video as she broke this verse down... I am going to share my notes.
And we know that... we are well assured, we are confident
in all things... everything, every detail in our lives, if it matters to us, it matters to God
God works... God is working on it, He labors on our behalf and gets the job done, always, Whatever mess you're in He's in it with you
for the good... everything that happens fits into a pattern, God works toward something good and beautiful, He works in our lives, hands on, cleaning, straightening, repairing, overhauling, taking apart, putting back together
of those who love him... Do you love God? Do you love Him? Do you believe what He has for you is for your good? not a warm happy feeling but, but are you willing to make a commitment, to trust, to sacrifice. That's the real test of faith.
My answer? Yes, Lord! Whatever You have for me in this life I will receive as a gift of love from Your hands.
who have been called... we've been called to be saints, the people God chose because that was his plan, summoned
according to his purpose... in fulfilment of his design, in keeping with his purpose.
Isaiah 64:8 "We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand."
"Once we accept the truth that He is the King of kings..., life becomes more joyful, change becomes more manageable, pain becomes more bearable, hope becomes more certain, and love becomes more real." Liz Curtis Higgs
I just read a lesson on this verse written by Liz Curtis Higgs and also watched her video as she broke this verse down... I am going to share my notes.
And we know that... we are well assured, we are confident
in all things... everything, every detail in our lives, if it matters to us, it matters to God
God works... God is working on it, He labors on our behalf and gets the job done, always, Whatever mess you're in He's in it with you
for the good... everything that happens fits into a pattern, God works toward something good and beautiful, He works in our lives, hands on, cleaning, straightening, repairing, overhauling, taking apart, putting back together
of those who love him... Do you love God? Do you love Him? Do you believe what He has for you is for your good? not a warm happy feeling but, but are you willing to make a commitment, to trust, to sacrifice. That's the real test of faith.
My answer? Yes, Lord! Whatever You have for me in this life I will receive as a gift of love from Your hands.
who have been called... we've been called to be saints, the people God chose because that was his plan, summoned
according to his purpose... in fulfilment of his design, in keeping with his purpose.
Isaiah 64:8 "We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand."
"Once we accept the truth that He is the King of kings..., life becomes more joyful, change becomes more manageable, pain becomes more bearable, hope becomes more certain, and love becomes more real." Liz Curtis Higgs
I haven't put a title on my little blog here, I'm trying to think of a good one as I type away. I guess you could say that I am sitting here thinking about the last three years and seeing how God has worked through everything that has happened and everything that is still going on.
I can honestly say that it hasn't been an easy go of it, and there have been some days that have been downright ugly, but I have always been drawn back to who is in control, and it definitely isn't me.
2017 brought a total hip replacement and stroke June 13 and 14. November 2017 through June of 2018 I went through a bit of depression. Not really a bit... I was so sad and frustrated over what I had lost... or what I thought I had lost... I didn't see what I had. 2019 I was hospitalized on June 26 with a life threatening blood clot that went from my ankle up into my abdomen. Being released a few days later with strict orders not to work, rest and elevate. November 6, 2019 David had blood work and results came back showing high platelets, bone marrow biopsy done, and so many blood tests, lots of visits with the oncologist and another bone marrow biopsy done and on March 6, 2020, we finally had a diagnosis. Essential Thrombocythemia. A bone marrow cancer/disease. Now we know, what can be done? Oral chemo medication to get the platelet count down and to a safe place. It has taken until this last blood test yesterday, August 10, to see it in the acceptable range.
So why am I sharing all of this? Because my story, our story, is all in God's plan. Why is this part of God's plan? I don't really know. But I do know that there hasn't been a time that God hasn't been with us. I may not have looked at it that way all the time, I may have felt left alone and that he wasn't there with me at all. But, I can say that when I stopped feeling sorry for myself, or for us, when I just stopped and remembered that I am not in control of all things, but God is and was there the whole time. He hadn't left us... He was waiting with His arms wide open.
I know without a doubt that what I/we have been through, and even what is to come my/our way, God has it all under control. And I have to relinquish my control to Him, totally. I need to surrender it all into His hands.
Romans 8:28 "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."
I know this to be true. I may not be back to 100% from the stroke or the blood clot, and David still has the bone marrow cancer/disease... but we are still here, still functioning, still able to work, still able to serve our great God. I have grown closer and more in love with God through all of this, I have grown more in love with David and life through it all. I am not taking any minute for granted, and am loving the simplest of things even more. The time we spend together is more precious, and the simple things of picnics by the rivers and ponds, and stopping to look and smell the flowers along our way... What a blessing to be able to see, feel, smell, hear, touch all that has been created by our Great God. Even in the difficult times there is always something to be thankful for.
I give God all the praise, through the good and the not so good. He is my strength and my refuge. I know full well that I can't do life without Him.
I can honestly say that it hasn't been an easy go of it, and there have been some days that have been downright ugly, but I have always been drawn back to who is in control, and it definitely isn't me.
2017 brought a total hip replacement and stroke June 13 and 14. November 2017 through June of 2018 I went through a bit of depression. Not really a bit... I was so sad and frustrated over what I had lost... or what I thought I had lost... I didn't see what I had. 2019 I was hospitalized on June 26 with a life threatening blood clot that went from my ankle up into my abdomen. Being released a few days later with strict orders not to work, rest and elevate. November 6, 2019 David had blood work and results came back showing high platelets, bone marrow biopsy done, and so many blood tests, lots of visits with the oncologist and another bone marrow biopsy done and on March 6, 2020, we finally had a diagnosis. Essential Thrombocythemia. A bone marrow cancer/disease. Now we know, what can be done? Oral chemo medication to get the platelet count down and to a safe place. It has taken until this last blood test yesterday, August 10, to see it in the acceptable range.
So why am I sharing all of this? Because my story, our story, is all in God's plan. Why is this part of God's plan? I don't really know. But I do know that there hasn't been a time that God hasn't been with us. I may not have looked at it that way all the time, I may have felt left alone and that he wasn't there with me at all. But, I can say that when I stopped feeling sorry for myself, or for us, when I just stopped and remembered that I am not in control of all things, but God is and was there the whole time. He hadn't left us... He was waiting with His arms wide open.
I know without a doubt that what I/we have been through, and even what is to come my/our way, God has it all under control. And I have to relinquish my control to Him, totally. I need to surrender it all into His hands.
Romans 8:28 "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."
I know this to be true. I may not be back to 100% from the stroke or the blood clot, and David still has the bone marrow cancer/disease... but we are still here, still functioning, still able to work, still able to serve our great God. I have grown closer and more in love with God through all of this, I have grown more in love with David and life through it all. I am not taking any minute for granted, and am loving the simplest of things even more. The time we spend together is more precious, and the simple things of picnics by the rivers and ponds, and stopping to look and smell the flowers along our way... What a blessing to be able to see, feel, smell, hear, touch all that has been created by our Great God. Even in the difficult times there is always something to be thankful for.
I give God all the praise, through the good and the not so good. He is my strength and my refuge. I know full well that I can't do life without Him.
Friday, October 25, 2019
A few thoughts...
So, last week I read someone’s blog that
was posted on a friends facebook page.
It was titled “Grieving the person I used to be before chronic illness”. I definitely could relate to that title from
having a stroke two years ago. As I
started reading it was like a bit of dejavu.
Oh, how I would love to be able to go out and play softball, or coach or
umpire for the town youth softball games.
I had actually started thinking about it as the season was
approaching. But I had some hip pain and
needed surgery, so maybe next year. And
then the hip replacement on June 13th and the stroke diagnosis on
June 14th. I had died, and was brought back to life, being left with a vision loss called “right homonymous hemianopia”. Pretty cool, huh? NOT!!!
So, needless to say, that was the
beginning of me “grieving the person I used to be”. More than you can imagine I wanted to be her
again. But, that was not going to
happen. Not being able to see to the
right without turning my head would put me and those playing, and those I would
be coaching/officiating at risk of getting hurt.
I had to realize that I am the same
person, just a little broken and bruised.
I’ve got to admit that that realization didn’t happen over night, and
that I still have some moments of what if’s, but they are so few and far between
now. I am here because God isn’t
finished with me yet. I have grown more
in my faith these last two years, and am fully committed to being used by
God. He uses ordinary, bruised and
broken people. That’s definitely
me. And I am ready and willing for Him
to use me.
I have a wonderful support team. David is my “right hand guy”. Literally and figuratively. He walks on my right so that I don’t run into
people or walls. *SNICKER* It’s happened. He is my “sight to the right”. Michelle and Melissa are my bouncers and keep
me tuned in to reality. Friends who let
me be me… warts and all… encouraging me, challenging me to be all that
God wants me to be.
I’m not at all going to sit back and
wallow in what I could do before…
instead I am moving forward in anticipation of all that I can do
now. God had a plan for my life before I
was born, and all of this is part of His plan for me… why? I
don’t know. But I am still here, and there is work to be done. And may it all be done to bring Him all the
praise and all the glory.
Friday, September 20, 2019
I'm not sure what to title this blog... so I will just type and figure it out later.
I've used the word "overwhelmed" a lot lately... but I'm not sure it's the right word to use. Since my stroke in June, and losing the right side vision in both of my eyes, it has been somewhat of a challenge to adjust. And it is hard to describe the sensation to those that have not experienced it.
I find it challenging to be in a crowd with people on all sides, it's like a door is closed to the right. And when I turn to the right, there are all those people I had no idea were there. I find it so much easier to talk one on one or two with them standing right there in front of me then being in a crowd of people. I'm not trying to ignore anyone, it's just "overwhelming" for me to be in a crowd.
And when I am in familiar places, but things have been rearranged... like last night for instance at CBC for the One Voice concert. Familiar surroundings, but the chairs were set up differently. Instead of having the two rows of chairs with the center aisle the chairs were all lined up together. No center aisle. And my bearings got all messed up because I couldn't see to the right... I had to purposefully walk to an individual with my back to the wall so that I wouldn't walk into someone or something. And when we left, I had to literally hold onto to David's belt loop because there were people on both sides of me, and I just could not see those on my right, so to avoid running into them I followed him closely.
written in spring 2018
I've used the word "overwhelmed" a lot lately... but I'm not sure it's the right word to use. Since my stroke in June, and losing the right side vision in both of my eyes, it has been somewhat of a challenge to adjust. And it is hard to describe the sensation to those that have not experienced it.
I find it challenging to be in a crowd with people on all sides, it's like a door is closed to the right. And when I turn to the right, there are all those people I had no idea were there. I find it so much easier to talk one on one or two with them standing right there in front of me then being in a crowd of people. I'm not trying to ignore anyone, it's just "overwhelming" for me to be in a crowd.
And when I am in familiar places, but things have been rearranged... like last night for instance at CBC for the One Voice concert. Familiar surroundings, but the chairs were set up differently. Instead of having the two rows of chairs with the center aisle the chairs were all lined up together. No center aisle. And my bearings got all messed up because I couldn't see to the right... I had to purposefully walk to an individual with my back to the wall so that I wouldn't walk into someone or something. And when we left, I had to literally hold onto to David's belt loop because there were people on both sides of me, and I just could not see those on my right, so to avoid running into them I followed him closely.
written in spring 2018
Limitations? UGH!!!
What is the meaning of limitation? according to dictionary.com it is - a limiting condition; restrictive weakness; lack of capacity; inability or handicap.
So, why am I blogging about limitations? I really didn't want to think about limitations, and I don't want limitations, but I have found I have limitations....
I have always been able and capable to do just about anything, at any time... and I am struggling with not being able to. Yep, I have found that I have limitations now. My mind still races with all kinds of things I want to do, that I would love to do... but I just can't. I am adjusting to this new lifestyle of limitations. Hmpf!!! and I am not adjusting all that well with it.
Written 2018
So, why am I blogging about limitations? I really didn't want to think about limitations, and I don't want limitations, but I have found I have limitations....
I have always been able and capable to do just about anything, at any time... and I am struggling with not being able to. Yep, I have found that I have limitations now. My mind still races with all kinds of things I want to do, that I would love to do... but I just can't. I am adjusting to this new lifestyle of limitations. Hmpf!!! and I am not adjusting all that well with it.
Written 2018
Monday, November 12, 2018
FEAR NOT!
This past Saturday, I shared my testimony with a wonderful group of women. It was quite a day, I was so encouraged and blessed. So I wanted to sit and blog what I shared with all of you, if it could make a difference in just one persons life, WOW!
Good morning everyone! It is so good to see you, and to be able to share my testimony and teaching with you.
I wasn't sure what to wear today... I was thinking I could wear my superhero outfit, or my human outfit... but then I just decided that I would wear this, black and blue. You see I am living a life that is bruised, but it is NOT broken.
This past year and a half has been tough. I went in on June 13, 2017 for a total hip replacement, that went really well, but on June 14, 2017 when PT came in to get me up, I had suffered a stroke. I had no heart beat. They called a "code blue" and all the nurses were running to my room when my husband was walking down the hall to see me. I have no idea what happened for the rest of the day... but when I was alert enough, they took me for a CAT scan and an ultrasound, had an EKG... and yes, it was a stroke, leaving me with a "tired brain" and a loss of vision in both eyes, "blind spots".
Having the "blind spots" in my vision and the sometimes tired brain, has been difficult. It has limited the things I can do that I always could do. I am still independent, but not as much as I used to be. Walls move in front of my from time to time, and people just appear "poof" out of no where. And the little things like the comb and toothpaste disappearing as soon as I get to the sink, only to find that they were playing hid and seek and turn up right where they are supposed to be. And did you know that that counter that extends into the kitchen is quite solid? I found that out yesterday.
And because of the stroke that caused these "blind spots", I had become afraid. Fear... every headache, every twinge... was it another stroke? Will I die this time?
And anxiety... I couldn't be in crowds, my claustrophobia was exacerbated because of the "blind spots"... I started to shut down, didn't want to participate in anything, all I wanted was to be left alone.
I had given the devil the "foothold" that he needed to plant the seeds of discouragement, defeat, despair... But, I allowed it to happen, in my weakened state I wallowed in self pity. Poor me... I can't do anything... I am so tired. How can God use me now? Yeah!!! Pathetic! And I know that now, but it was hard to see it then. I felt broken. Useless. And who really cares?
All I knew then was that I was so tired. tired of everything. I would shut down emotionally. Crowds and noise would make things worse. I didn't want to be like this... but... now what?
Melissa was getting married in July, and I remember her asking me this simple question that shook me to my core... "Mom, aren't you excited that I am getting married?" I wasn't showing it... I wanted to, but I didn't know how.
I was reading my devotions, I can't tell you what day or what it was, but I began to weep... I didn't know what was going on... so I began to pray, I wept, I cried out to God... Help me, Lord!
And this was His answer... Isaiah 41:10 "fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will srengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Mmmm.... fear not, God is with me... fear not, God is my God... fear not, God will give me strength... fear not, God will help me... fear not, God will hold me up.
Praise God!!!! I needed to stop defining and limiting my future in terms of my circumstances and start letting God be God. He is greater than my circumstances.
John 14:27 ... "Let not your heart be troubled... "
Let not MY heart be troubled, believe in God. I needed to believe in God. Trust God. Let God by my God. My help. My strength. He WILL uphold with his righteous right hand.
Monday, September 24, 2018
I'm not going to let it stop me...
These past 3 weekends have been so much fun... I had hoped after my hip replacement that I would be able to get back to swinging a bat and playing a little ball in the over 60's group... maybe even get back to coaching and umping... I was getting so excited at the thought.
BUT... that is not what was going to happen. The hip is GREAT!!! But, because of the stroke and the lasting effects of it (a bit of vision loss)... my safety and the safety of others was what I needed to think about. So no softball or basketball or coaching or umpiring... so what now???
I love being outdoors, doing things... I was frustrated at the thought I couldn't do anything. And then 3 weeks ago David and I decided to do a short hike in Sandwich Notch... Beede Falls. What a blast we had...
A week later we decided to try it again and went to Diana's Baths. I can't tell you how much fun and quite honestly how much confidence I felt after these two hikes.
So this past weekend we decided to do another hike. Ripley Falls in Crawford Notch. It wasn't a long hike, but it was challenging with rocks and roots and narrow paths. And there were times when it seemed a bit too much... but I didn't want to give up. I've always been a believer that if you start something, you have got to give it your all and finish. I'm sure there will be times when that may not happen... but if I can, I will.
I am having fun... and my "seeing eye" guy is so much help. I definitely wouldn't be doing it without him. He is so patient, and just lets me do what I need to to make it... he is always there with an outstretched hand to get me up over that boulder or around that tree when I head right for it... I swear those trees just move themselves right in my path to see what I am going to do...
So, I am not going to let it stop me... I have found something that I can do... and it feels good.
BUT... that is not what was going to happen. The hip is GREAT!!! But, because of the stroke and the lasting effects of it (a bit of vision loss)... my safety and the safety of others was what I needed to think about. So no softball or basketball or coaching or umpiring... so what now???
I love being outdoors, doing things... I was frustrated at the thought I couldn't do anything. And then 3 weeks ago David and I decided to do a short hike in Sandwich Notch... Beede Falls. What a blast we had...
A week later we decided to try it again and went to Diana's Baths. I can't tell you how much fun and quite honestly how much confidence I felt after these two hikes.
So this past weekend we decided to do another hike. Ripley Falls in Crawford Notch. It wasn't a long hike, but it was challenging with rocks and roots and narrow paths. And there were times when it seemed a bit too much... but I didn't want to give up. I've always been a believer that if you start something, you have got to give it your all and finish. I'm sure there will be times when that may not happen... but if I can, I will.
I am having fun... and my "seeing eye" guy is so much help. I definitely wouldn't be doing it without him. He is so patient, and just lets me do what I need to to make it... he is always there with an outstretched hand to get me up over that boulder or around that tree when I head right for it... I swear those trees just move themselves right in my path to see what I am going to do...
So, I am not going to let it stop me... I have found something that I can do... and it feels good.
Wednesday, May 2, 2018
Feeling good and healthier...
So, March of 2017 I posted these pictures to show myself where I had been to where I had come. I had been put on a healthier eating regimen in October 2016 by my cardiologist, and I decided along with the healthier eating I needed to start doing some exercising as well. I was, and still am happy with that result.
Now fast forward a year... the weight hasn't changed (so no new picture), but I am feeling so much better. 2017 was not an easy year with excruciating hip pain and then a hip replacement in June (Yay!! no more pain) and the day after the replacement a stroke (vision impaired), so to still be at the place I am, I am extremely happy. I am still eating healthy, and I am "working out" as much as I can. I haven't lost any weight this past year, but I have gone down another size in jeans (24 then to an 18 now)... so the toning continues? I am hoping that as I continue this lifestyle that the weight will once again start to drop... that would be a goal of mine to lose more... but, and yes there is a but... if this is me for a while longer, and I am healthy... (I had my physical yesterday and the doctor is very pleased with where I am)... then I won't focus on the losing as much as I will focus on being healthy.
Friday, February 9, 2018
Sometimes it's just a struggle...
James 1:2-3 "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness."
This is one of those days... it's a struggle... but I know where my help comes from as I go through this trial...
Psalm 121:1-2 "I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth."
Thy will be done!
This is one of those days... it's a struggle... but I know where my help comes from as I go through this trial...
Psalm 121:1-2 "I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth."
Thy will be done!
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
Words I will live by in 2018 and beyond
I've been doing a lot of reflecting these past 6 months... I guess having a life altering happening occur can do that to a person. I have always known that life is fragile, but in June of 2017 I realized first hand that that is so.
June 13th a total hip replacement and that went GREAT!!! June 14th a stroke and no heart rate... I thank God that that was not the end of my life... from that day I have realized that each day is a gift... and I cherish that gift more than anyone will know.
I have a small wall hanging at home that has come to mean so very much to me... Live, Love, Laugh... so in 2018 and beyond these are the words I will live by with a few added in.
Even if it is a bit more challenging with the vision issues resulting from the stroke I am going to live life to the fullest, love unconditionally, and laugh often. And for others that already know the whacky me... I am going to continue to jump in the puddles, sing silly songs and maybe even sing off key, dance even if there isn't any music and "walk like this". And if you are going to join me in the puddles, dancing or "walking like this", please stay on my right side so I don't hit the wall... hehe... but yeah... that would be very helpful. :)
June 13th a total hip replacement and that went GREAT!!! June 14th a stroke and no heart rate... I thank God that that was not the end of my life... from that day I have realized that each day is a gift... and I cherish that gift more than anyone will know.
I have a small wall hanging at home that has come to mean so very much to me... Live, Love, Laugh... so in 2018 and beyond these are the words I will live by with a few added in.
Even if it is a bit more challenging with the vision issues resulting from the stroke I am going to live life to the fullest, love unconditionally, and laugh often. And for others that already know the whacky me... I am going to continue to jump in the puddles, sing silly songs and maybe even sing off key, dance even if there isn't any music and "walk like this". And if you are going to join me in the puddles, dancing or "walking like this", please stay on my right side so I don't hit the wall... hehe... but yeah... that would be very helpful. :)
Tuesday, November 21, 2017
So thankful...
It's that time of year that we all have things to be thankful for... but should it only be this time of year? Don't we have things to be thankful for every day of the year? Why do we focus so much attention on the month of November to give thanks?
Scripture says:
"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!"
Psalm 118:1
"...be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ..."
Ephesians 18b-20
ALWAYS AND FOR EVERYTHING
"give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
1 Thessalonians 5:18
IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES
Oh, I am definitely giving thanks this month... but not just this month... it is always. I have a very long list of things to be thankful for... the first thing I am thankful for every day of my life, Jesus.. His love, His saving grace, His sacrifice on the cross... He did that for me... and He did that for you. I am forever grateful!!!
There is so so much more that I am thankful for... oh yes, much more... every day... it just overwhelms me how I have been blessed.
David, he is my knight in shining armor. The love of my life. He is loving, caring, compassionate. He is a man of God, honest, hardworking and the list just goes on and on. God blessed me with this love.
Michelle and Melissa, daughters, true gifts of God. Both beautiful, smart, loving and compassionate young women, following God's plan for their lives. My heart overflows with love for them.
Alan, my son by heart... who came into my life in a big way in 2003. He is handsome, has a great big heart, makes me smile, he is independent, strong willed, and sees things differently than I do... but what a joy he is to me, and I love him as if he were my own.
Joel, my son by love... marrying Michelle in 2008. A wonderful loving husband and father. A man of God serving faithfully at their place of worship. We are blessed to have him a part of our family.
Noah, Isaac, Peter... 3 of the most handsome little men I have ever seen. Each so different from the other. I didn't think being a Grammie could be so much fun. Oh how I love them. 3 very precious gifts. My heart just bubbles up with love for them.
Jimmy... he came into our lives about 3 years ago. He is fun loving, witty, thoughtful, a young man who loves God and our Melissa. He makes my heart smile.
And there are so many others, family and friends. I am truly thankful for each and every one of you. My life has been enriched with you in it.
And things? Our warm cozy home, our jobs, our transportation... we are so thankful for everything... God has blessed us with all that we need and so much more. How can we not be thankful always and for everything?
And in all circumstances? YES!!! and in all circumstances. Life is not always easy. It can be down right difficult. I can attest to that... I think all of us can attest to that... but I have learned that even in those difficult circumstances God has been there with me. I may not always think so at the time... but when I look back on the what if's? He has brought me through some pretty amazing things, even a brush with death. It's been a journey of learning for me... and I know this journey of learning isn't over yet.
So, not just this month but all year long I am thankful. The blessings, the life gift, the love of Jesus... I am thankful always and for everything and in all circumstances. God has been so good to me... and do I deserve it? NO!!! but he loves me that much...
Forever Grateful
You did not wait for me to draw near to You,
but You clothed Yourself in frail humanity.
You did not wait for me to cry out to You,
but You let me hear Your voice calling me.
And I'm forever grateful, Lord, to You.
And I'm forever grateful for the cross.
And I'm forever grateful to You,
that You came to seek and save the lost.
Scripture says:
"Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever!"
Psalm 118:1
"...be filled with the Spirit, addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart, giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ..."
Ephesians 18b-20
ALWAYS AND FOR EVERYTHING
"give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
1 Thessalonians 5:18
IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES
Oh, I am definitely giving thanks this month... but not just this month... it is always. I have a very long list of things to be thankful for... the first thing I am thankful for every day of my life, Jesus.. His love, His saving grace, His sacrifice on the cross... He did that for me... and He did that for you. I am forever grateful!!!
There is so so much more that I am thankful for... oh yes, much more... every day... it just overwhelms me how I have been blessed.
David, he is my knight in shining armor. The love of my life. He is loving, caring, compassionate. He is a man of God, honest, hardworking and the list just goes on and on. God blessed me with this love.
Michelle and Melissa, daughters, true gifts of God. Both beautiful, smart, loving and compassionate young women, following God's plan for their lives. My heart overflows with love for them.
Alan, my son by heart... who came into my life in a big way in 2003. He is handsome, has a great big heart, makes me smile, he is independent, strong willed, and sees things differently than I do... but what a joy he is to me, and I love him as if he were my own.
Joel, my son by love... marrying Michelle in 2008. A wonderful loving husband and father. A man of God serving faithfully at their place of worship. We are blessed to have him a part of our family.
Noah, Isaac, Peter... 3 of the most handsome little men I have ever seen. Each so different from the other. I didn't think being a Grammie could be so much fun. Oh how I love them. 3 very precious gifts. My heart just bubbles up with love for them.
Jimmy... he came into our lives about 3 years ago. He is fun loving, witty, thoughtful, a young man who loves God and our Melissa. He makes my heart smile.
And there are so many others, family and friends. I am truly thankful for each and every one of you. My life has been enriched with you in it.
And things? Our warm cozy home, our jobs, our transportation... we are so thankful for everything... God has blessed us with all that we need and so much more. How can we not be thankful always and for everything?
And in all circumstances? YES!!! and in all circumstances. Life is not always easy. It can be down right difficult. I can attest to that... I think all of us can attest to that... but I have learned that even in those difficult circumstances God has been there with me. I may not always think so at the time... but when I look back on the what if's? He has brought me through some pretty amazing things, even a brush with death. It's been a journey of learning for me... and I know this journey of learning isn't over yet.
So, not just this month but all year long I am thankful. The blessings, the life gift, the love of Jesus... I am thankful always and for everything and in all circumstances. God has been so good to me... and do I deserve it? NO!!! but he loves me that much...
Forever Grateful
You did not wait for me to draw near to You,
but You clothed Yourself in frail humanity.
You did not wait for me to cry out to You,
but You let me hear Your voice calling me.
And I'm forever grateful, Lord, to You.
And I'm forever grateful for the cross.
And I'm forever grateful to You,
that You came to seek and save the lost.
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
What a glorious day!
It's been one of those days that I just can't say thank you enough to God. Maybe it's because it's a five month anniversary of the day I had no heartbeat and had a code blue called and then was literally given another chance at life by my God. Maybe?
Life has taken on a new meaning for me. I am so grateful for it. So thankful for it. God has a plan for me, and I am ready to do whatever whenever.
WOW!!!! I just love this life He has given me. It's beautiful!
Life has taken on a new meaning for me. I am so grateful for it. So thankful for it. God has a plan for me, and I am ready to do whatever whenever.
WOW!!!! I just love this life He has given me. It's beautiful!
Wednesday, November 8, 2017
Hmmmm.....
I'm trying to figure out what this time of my life is supposed to be about and what God has planned for me. Some days I feel like I’ve lost my purpose, and direction. Yeah, today is one of those days. I know my joy is supposed to be rooted in Christ and not in my circumstances. But today, I am having a hard time handling this time in my life, these circumstances.
Please, I can't do "just one more thing". This is all I've got. So please please, don't ask again.
Please, I can't do "just one more thing". This is all I've got. So please please, don't ask again.
Friday, October 27, 2017
Be patient with me...
Yeah, I felt the need to write a little more about the affects of my stroke... It definitely has messed with the wrong chick. I am not going to let it drive me into the ground.
Yes, I had a stroke while in the hospital having a total hip replacement June 13th. I was in a very good place to have it happen. Definitely had immediate medical care. They were amazing!
So this is what happened... and this is how I feel at times.
My homonymous hemianopia is on the right.
Yes, I had a stroke while in the hospital having a total hip replacement June 13th. I was in a very good place to have it happen. Definitely had immediate medical care. They were amazing!
So this is what happened... and this is how I feel at times.
"Homonymous
hemianopsia, or homonymous
hemianopia, is hemianopic visual field loss on the same side of both eyes.
Homonymous hemianopsia occurs because the right half of the brain has visual
pathways for the left hemifield of both eyes, and the left half of the brain
has visual pathways for the right hemifield of both eyes. When one of these
pathways is damaged, the corresponding visual field is lost."
My homonymous hemianopia is on the right.
Mobility can be difficult. I have bruises because of it.
I often experience discomfort in crowds. I may be unaware of
what or who is on my right. I most
likely won’t see you sitting or standing next to me… don’t get creeped out when I turn my
head to look to my right. I have bumped into a wall, taken a corner to sharply
and bumped into the railing. I often
have David walk on my right side and hold my hand so that that doesn’t happen.
I’m taking it in stride.
I am doing my very best to be me, the same me I have always been. But I must admit, that there are days when I
get frustrated, when I am tired, when all I want to do is sit back and do
nothing. So if you see me that way, it’s
just one of those days, it is not the way I am always. Be patient with me, my
brain is still healing, and I am still getting used to this “new way to see”.
All that being said, I am trusting God to take care of me, to
guide me in these times. He can use this
time in my life, this disability or sorts, for good. I am trusting Him to heal me, it may not be
the healing of the physical aspect of the vision, but a healing that is beyond
that.
So, I am asking that you be patient with me. If you think I am acting a bit odd or weird,
or seem to have something on my mind…
maybe I do. Or maybe I am
tired.
I am still recovering. I
am still me. I am always going to be
me. So. Watch. Out. Be patient with me.
If you ask me to participate in something, take charge and I say no, it's because I need to. Not because I want to. I need time to heal, time to rest, I'm not physically able to do right now all the things I have done or love to do. Remember? I had a total hip replacement too. You can't see anything that might hinder me to do things. The limp is gone, and I have no outward appearances of not being able to do things. So, be patient, don't try to convince me that it would be the best thing for me... I will know when that is so.
Be patient...
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
Is there such a thing as post stroke something?
So, that's quite a title huh? I was watching the news this morning and they were talking about postpartum depression, and it got me to thinking... "is there such a thing as post stroke something?" So I googled it, and there it was... Post-Stroke Fatigue.
It's been quite enlightening for me to know that being tired/fatigued is something that can occur after a stroke. So, what is post-stroke fatigue? The following are some of the things I found out...
Post-stroke fatigue is not like typical tiredness.
Unlike usual tiredness, fatigue doesn't always improve with rest and it isn't related to how busy or active you've been.
After a stroke the brain is healing.
The recovery process takes up a lot of energy so it is normal to feel very tired.
Resting every day or nearly every day is necessary for the healing.
The signs of fatigue are not always obvious to other people, and they may not understand how genuinely exhausted you are.
The fatigue gets better, but it can take many months before it begins to lift.
It's important not to ignore fatigue. It will get better, but will take time.
So, take it easy on yourself and don't force yourself to do all the things you used to do straight away.
Rest when you need to.
I was beginning to think that I had turned into a "wimp". Being exhausted when I get home from work (my work is not physically demanding so why would I be so tired)... I found out that I am not a "wimp", and this is a real thing.
My body and brain have both been through some trauma... they need rest... so, don't be surprised to catch me resting... at home, in the park, at my desk... I'm just catching up on my rest. For healing purposes. Yeah, that's it... but seriously, don't be surprised.
I feel good, I have no pain, I am just tired after a day of work. it will get better.
It's been quite enlightening for me to know that being tired/fatigued is something that can occur after a stroke. So, what is post-stroke fatigue? The following are some of the things I found out...
Post-stroke fatigue is not like typical tiredness.
Unlike usual tiredness, fatigue doesn't always improve with rest and it isn't related to how busy or active you've been.
After a stroke the brain is healing.
The recovery process takes up a lot of energy so it is normal to feel very tired.
Resting every day or nearly every day is necessary for the healing.
The signs of fatigue are not always obvious to other people, and they may not understand how genuinely exhausted you are.
The fatigue gets better, but it can take many months before it begins to lift.
It's important not to ignore fatigue. It will get better, but will take time.
So, take it easy on yourself and don't force yourself to do all the things you used to do straight away.
Rest when you need to.
I was beginning to think that I had turned into a "wimp". Being exhausted when I get home from work (my work is not physically demanding so why would I be so tired)... I found out that I am not a "wimp", and this is a real thing.
My body and brain have both been through some trauma... they need rest... so, don't be surprised to catch me resting... at home, in the park, at my desk... I'm just catching up on my rest. For healing purposes. Yeah, that's it... but seriously, don't be surprised.
I feel good, I have no pain, I am just tired after a day of work. it will get better.
Thursday, August 31, 2017
I have to remember...
Yes, I have to remember.
I have to remember that it was only 2 1/2 months ago that I had major surgery.
I have to remember that 2 1/2 months ago I had a stroke.
I have to remember that my body and brain are still recovering from all of that.
I have to remember that even though I feel GREAT, my body and brain are not healed completely.
I have to remember that it is okay to stop and do nothing.
I have to remember that I need to rest.
I have to remember that rest is good for the healing.
Yes, I have to remember.
I have to remember that it was only 2 1/2 months ago that I had major surgery.
I have to remember that 2 1/2 months ago I had a stroke.
I have to remember that my body and brain are still recovering from all of that.
I have to remember that even though I feel GREAT, my body and brain are not healed completely.
I have to remember that it is okay to stop and do nothing.
I have to remember that I need to rest.
I have to remember that rest is good for the healing.
Yes, I have to remember.
Friday, August 18, 2017
Here it is...
I was thinking I would write a blog... but now I am here my mind is going in so many directions that I don't have any idea of where to start.
So, let me just say that I have been less than I should be. A lot less....
I have been frustrated, angry, felt abandoned... quite honestly I have been a mess... emotionally a train wreck. Yep!!! That has been me this week. It's such a strange feeling... I feel so much better than I have in the last couple of years, and my hip is healing great with no more pain. But, emotionally I am a mess.
I have so many appointments and tests and stuff... that it has all just gotten to me. What's going on? and at times I don't get any answers. What? Why? Do you care? Yes, these are all questions I have asked. I have been less than cordial at times... so not me... I don't like me when I am like that.
I am spending more time in the Word, crying out to God, listening to music and just being quiet... I really need a heart change, and there is only One that can help me with that. I will be seeking and listening. I could use your prayers as well.
Blessed and grateful for these:
I am so thankful for a husband that prays for me, and loves me in spite of me. Thankful for our daughters that love me when I am unlovable, how they put up with me at times is beyond me. And they scold me... go figure.
Thankful for friends and family doing for me when I can't do for myself. I love you and appreciate you, not for what you do, but for the love you show me in what you do. Your calls, cards, meals, visits, rides (many many rides). Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
So, let me just say that I have been less than I should be. A lot less....
I have been frustrated, angry, felt abandoned... quite honestly I have been a mess... emotionally a train wreck. Yep!!! That has been me this week. It's such a strange feeling... I feel so much better than I have in the last couple of years, and my hip is healing great with no more pain. But, emotionally I am a mess.
I have so many appointments and tests and stuff... that it has all just gotten to me. What's going on? and at times I don't get any answers. What? Why? Do you care? Yes, these are all questions I have asked. I have been less than cordial at times... so not me... I don't like me when I am like that.
I am spending more time in the Word, crying out to God, listening to music and just being quiet... I really need a heart change, and there is only One that can help me with that. I will be seeking and listening. I could use your prayers as well.
Blessed and grateful for these:
I am so thankful for a husband that prays for me, and loves me in spite of me. Thankful for our daughters that love me when I am unlovable, how they put up with me at times is beyond me. And they scold me... go figure.
Thankful for friends and family doing for me when I can't do for myself. I love you and appreciate you, not for what you do, but for the love you show me in what you do. Your calls, cards, meals, visits, rides (many many rides). Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
Praising God through it all...
Oh yes!!! I am praising God through it all.
It's been a while since I have posted anything on my blog... and I am grateful that I can still post on my blog. It was quite a ride to start with, but has been nothing short of miraculous (to me anyways) since.
June 13th I went in for a total hip replacement of my right hip. All was going well... prep was good and I was so ready. Surgery went without a hitch. And then there was recovery... apparently not going so good. Blood pressure was way too low, they were having a hard time getting me stable enough to go to my room. in the 3rd hour of all of this the nurse that was taking care of me told me that she was not going to leave even though her shift had ended until I was stable and she was going to make sure I got to my room... she spent the next hour with me, checking and rechecking... finally I was at a point where she felt okay to take me to my room... she was my angel that afternoon. Very calming presence. David was waiting for me when I got to my room, it was so good to see him. I rested well that evening, with no pain.
Wednesday morning as I woke up I noticed that I was having some vision trouble. Peripheral on the right side was messed up. PT came in to get me up, and I mentioned that to them as I was sitting on the edge of the bed... they helped me stand and that is the last thing I remember. I had passed out... and when the therapist checked my pulse, there was none... *code blue* and all the nurses came running... I came out of it on my own, thankfully... but it certainly didn't make David feel very good when he was on his way to my room and all the nurses were running for my room and they were calling my name over and over again. Yeah... never a dull moment here... That day was a day of tests... CT scan of my brain, ultra-sound of the carotid arteries, and an EKG. A neurologist was called in... I had had a small stroke that had affected my eyesight, to what extent, and one or both eyes would be later determined with a follow-up with my eye doctor. the ultra-sound and EKG were both good... phew!!! I was feeling really really good in spite of what had happened. I was having no hip pain whatsoever. YES!!!
Thursday morning came, and I told the nurse that I was ready to get up and move... so that is exactly what I did. PT came in, and they were amazed that I was doing so well... walked around the nurses station... did that a couple of times Thursday, sat up and had dinner in my hip chair... Friday I walked even more, sat up for my meals and for many hours visiting with David... and then Saturday morning walked some more and got discharged to GO HOME!
The nurse I had Wednesday was the same nurse I had Saturday... she was so surprised to see how well I was doing... She told me I gave her quite a scare, and she was sure I would not be going home this soon... But, here I was going home...
I have been home since June 17th... I had in home PT and VNA for two weeks and was discharged to out patient PT. The walker was gone in a week and I graduated to a cane. I have not had any pain other than the feeling of a pulled muscle at times. I am getting some of my independence back... back to cooking, cleaning, laundry.... still not able to drive.... but praying that I will be able to do that in the near future.
I have had a follow-up appointment with the surgeon and the hip is healing well, with the eye doctor and both of my eyes were affected by the stroke losing the right side vision in both eyes, with the neurologist who thinks some of my peripheral vision in my right eye has returned... I will find out about that in September when I see the eye doctor for more tests. I will also be having a heart patch test to check for A-fib, and I will be going to Dartmouth to see a hematologist to see if I have a blood disorder that would explain the stroke.
Through all of this, friends and family have rallied around to help with meals (Janet and Dan, Barb, Bonnie, Kate and John, Melody) visits in the hospital and at home from friends (Michelle, Kate, Cindi, Rowena, Melody, Judy, Barb, Jayne, and the daily visits from Michelle and the little men the first week home so that I wouldn't be alone all day, and Melissa for coming home for a week to be with us/me) beautiful flowers at home and work (Janet and Dan, Kate, Leslie and Bob, Paul and Dona Lynn) rides to appointments and back and forth to work (Michelle, Melissa, Rowena) and the many cards and notes and calls. Thank you everyone for so much love. I hope I haven't forgotten anyone.
And then there is my guy who has been with me through it all... he was at the hospital every day, called me every day... saw me through the scary moments and has been so encouraging through everything. Yes, there have been times when I got a bit discouraged, and I still do... but he is always there, praying me through... he is my knight in shining armor... I just love him so.
And thank you God! For being there... for your strength and peace. I called out to you and you answered my plea for help. You have a plan and purpose for my life... and you're not done with me yet. Thank you! I am giving you praise through it all. How can you use this "cracked pot" today? I don't know, but I am ready and willing... I am so grateful to be here... and pretty much back to normal... whatever that might be.
It's been a while since I have posted anything on my blog... and I am grateful that I can still post on my blog. It was quite a ride to start with, but has been nothing short of miraculous (to me anyways) since.
June 13th I went in for a total hip replacement of my right hip. All was going well... prep was good and I was so ready. Surgery went without a hitch. And then there was recovery... apparently not going so good. Blood pressure was way too low, they were having a hard time getting me stable enough to go to my room. in the 3rd hour of all of this the nurse that was taking care of me told me that she was not going to leave even though her shift had ended until I was stable and she was going to make sure I got to my room... she spent the next hour with me, checking and rechecking... finally I was at a point where she felt okay to take me to my room... she was my angel that afternoon. Very calming presence. David was waiting for me when I got to my room, it was so good to see him. I rested well that evening, with no pain.
Wednesday morning as I woke up I noticed that I was having some vision trouble. Peripheral on the right side was messed up. PT came in to get me up, and I mentioned that to them as I was sitting on the edge of the bed... they helped me stand and that is the last thing I remember. I had passed out... and when the therapist checked my pulse, there was none... *code blue* and all the nurses came running... I came out of it on my own, thankfully... but it certainly didn't make David feel very good when he was on his way to my room and all the nurses were running for my room and they were calling my name over and over again. Yeah... never a dull moment here... That day was a day of tests... CT scan of my brain, ultra-sound of the carotid arteries, and an EKG. A neurologist was called in... I had had a small stroke that had affected my eyesight, to what extent, and one or both eyes would be later determined with a follow-up with my eye doctor. the ultra-sound and EKG were both good... phew!!! I was feeling really really good in spite of what had happened. I was having no hip pain whatsoever. YES!!!
Thursday morning came, and I told the nurse that I was ready to get up and move... so that is exactly what I did. PT came in, and they were amazed that I was doing so well... walked around the nurses station... did that a couple of times Thursday, sat up and had dinner in my hip chair... Friday I walked even more, sat up for my meals and for many hours visiting with David... and then Saturday morning walked some more and got discharged to GO HOME!
The nurse I had Wednesday was the same nurse I had Saturday... she was so surprised to see how well I was doing... She told me I gave her quite a scare, and she was sure I would not be going home this soon... But, here I was going home...
I have been home since June 17th... I had in home PT and VNA for two weeks and was discharged to out patient PT. The walker was gone in a week and I graduated to a cane. I have not had any pain other than the feeling of a pulled muscle at times. I am getting some of my independence back... back to cooking, cleaning, laundry.... still not able to drive.... but praying that I will be able to do that in the near future.
I have had a follow-up appointment with the surgeon and the hip is healing well, with the eye doctor and both of my eyes were affected by the stroke losing the right side vision in both eyes, with the neurologist who thinks some of my peripheral vision in my right eye has returned... I will find out about that in September when I see the eye doctor for more tests. I will also be having a heart patch test to check for A-fib, and I will be going to Dartmouth to see a hematologist to see if I have a blood disorder that would explain the stroke.
Through all of this, friends and family have rallied around to help with meals (Janet and Dan, Barb, Bonnie, Kate and John, Melody) visits in the hospital and at home from friends (Michelle, Kate, Cindi, Rowena, Melody, Judy, Barb, Jayne, and the daily visits from Michelle and the little men the first week home so that I wouldn't be alone all day, and Melissa for coming home for a week to be with us/me) beautiful flowers at home and work (Janet and Dan, Kate, Leslie and Bob, Paul and Dona Lynn) rides to appointments and back and forth to work (Michelle, Melissa, Rowena) and the many cards and notes and calls. Thank you everyone for so much love. I hope I haven't forgotten anyone.
And then there is my guy who has been with me through it all... he was at the hospital every day, called me every day... saw me through the scary moments and has been so encouraging through everything. Yes, there have been times when I got a bit discouraged, and I still do... but he is always there, praying me through... he is my knight in shining armor... I just love him so.
And thank you God! For being there... for your strength and peace. I called out to you and you answered my plea for help. You have a plan and purpose for my life... and you're not done with me yet. Thank you! I am giving you praise through it all. How can you use this "cracked pot" today? I don't know, but I am ready and willing... I am so grateful to be here... and pretty much back to normal... whatever that might be.
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