It's the little things....

Oh my goodness!  This has been a very difficult couple of months.  The shortness of breath, pounding heart, "catch breath" stuff...  I've had, xrays, blood work, ultra-sounds, stress echo, CT scan, more blood work, several doctors visits...  and still can't explain what the underlying problem is...

I have been literally unable to do anything...  the stuff I love to do here at home...  cooking, washing dishes, laundry...  it was a real struggle, and still is quite honestly...  but I am pressing on, and doing the best I can...  thankful that I have a very supportive husband that pitches in and helps, and doesn't mind things getting done slower if they get done at all.

There have been days that I would sit down and cry because I just couldn't walk across the floor without being out of breath...  Scary...  extremely scary.

This morning I am grateful for the little things I can do now...  they may not seem like much, but to me they are HUGE!!!  I can do the dishes without having to sit after only a few minutes, I can fold an entire load of laundry without taking a break, I actually walked up a flight of stairs at church having to sit at the top for a minute or two, but I haven't been able to do that for nearly two months.  I could play corn hole without to much effort on the breathing with Michelle yesterday...

Today I go to see the doctor to get results of a CT scan and some blood work that I had done this week, and to see what more I need to do...  so you could pray that there might be some answers...  but if not, I am praising God that He is giving me the strength to get through each day, every minute of each day...  praising Him that I am able to greet the morning, and live each day to the fullest.

What does He have planned for me today?  I don't know.  But I am ready...  because with His strength I can do it...

Seems like it is just a waiting game....

Or maybe it's who's going to back down first.  If we make her wait long enough, maybe she'll just give up...  that's how I've been feeling through this "experience".  Well, it isn't going to be me giving in...

The stress echo test took three days to get approved by the insurance company...  good thing I wasn't having a heart attack...  it did show my heart was healthy, however it is pumping to hard on minimal activity.  Am I getting enough oxygen?  So a CAT scan of my chest needs to be done to find out if the lungs are clear of clots or an infection that the previous xrays wouldn't show.  Friday the insurance company was alerted, they finally gave approval yesterday afternoon.  So I have that scheduled but not until August 10th.  At least it is scheduled.

I know that we will get to the bottom of this, and that God has it all under control, but I am just tired of feeling this way.  So very tired of feeling this way.

So, I've been praying for answers and healing...  would you pray with me?

This has been quite an experience....

For the past 5 to 6 weeks I have been dealing with some health issues that were really scary...  I only shared this with a few people.  I had been experiencing shortness of breath, pounding heart beat, trouble concentrating, and exhaustion.  For 3 1/2 weeks I knew I could beat this on my own, whatever it was...  only to see that that was not happening.  I could do nothing, literally.  The normal menial tasks of making the bed, doing the dishes, folding the laundry, sweeping the floor was such a chore that I would have to go and sit down to catch my breath and wait for my heart to settle down.  I had become afraid of what it could be.  But I was afraid to go to the doctor too because I didn't want to know what it could be...

But, David convinced me that I should go...  his constant "how are you feeling?" "I think you should go to the doctor."  He was very persistent.  And I listened finally, kicking and screaming all the way.

First step was the blood work...  and a 40 minute visit with the doctor.   Results, blood work was good.  Phew!  Second step three days later was a chest xray, and this is what scared me the most with family history and all.  Results, all clear.  A big sigh of relief there.  and then the third step yesterday was a stress echocardiogram.  I've got to admit that I was pretty stressed going for the "stress" test.  It ended up being a walk in the park...  well, kind of?  Result that same day...  heart is strong, no issues.
So now my question was...  "Why am I feeling like this?"  An answer I received was...  STRESS!

So when I had a little extra time this morning, I've been doing some reading on stress and a bit more...  and how does it make you feel?  Broken, useless, sick, weak, frustrated....  One of the articles I read was very interesting and hit it right on for me....  It was titled "Stressed Out,  Overwhelmed, Totally Exhausted."

I have looked up the definitions...  and yeah...    I was extremely overwhelmed with a task that needed to be dealt with, leading to being stressed out getting things done, and that leading to exhaustion.  I had a deadline to meet with this obligation...  on top of my job, working on this project until 7 or 8 at night 5 days a week, plus 12 to 13 hours on Saturdays for 4 to 5 weeks straight..  I was running on fumes...  I knew it, but thought when it was done I would be back to normal...  That did not happen... and  now here I am, sick and tired of being sick and tired....  and of being afraid of being sick and tired...

Stressed Out: suffering from high levels of physical and/or psychological stress
Overwhelmed: to have too many things to deal with
Totally Exhausted:  to tire extremely or completely

Now that I know that I am "healthy"...  no blood, heart, or lung issues...  I will be working on this stress thing...  relaxing...  napping (not during work hours)...  not taking on tasks that require to much thought or energy...  *chillin'*...  I need to feel better...  I need to get back to being me...

I knew stress was not good for you....  but I never realized how debilitating it could be....

Now, what's for dinner?

Remembering....

Oh yes, I have been doing a lot of remembering and reminiscing this morning.....  all to do with cousins, and how much I love each and every one of them.  We had so much fun growing up together.  And there were a lot of us from both sides of the family....

On the Clifford side I was the oldest...  I think I got spoiled a little more than all the rest, you know being first and all.  We had so much fun...  I can remember fondly the flag football games on Great Grampa Berry's front lawn with the Sturgeon clan..  Gramp and Aunt Mina sitting on their screened porch watching, fretting that someone might get hurt...  We did get our share of bumps and bruises, but almost every weekend we were out there...  and that wasn't all we did...  we would climb into the cherry trees filling brown lunch bags of those delicious cherries and then go hide down over the pit bank and eat until we couldn't eat any more...  climbing the apple tree on the front lawn and all of us picking one green apple and biting into it just to see what funny faces would be made from the sour apple...  and mini bikes down the bank to the pit below and through the woods.  Yes we had a lot of fun...  and the Clifford clan, well 5 of them, babysitting them in the house behind Murphy's at the corner...  drinking coke and eating popcorn, wrestling and being silly, and when Kelly was born oh how I loved to hold and cuddle with her...  playing on the front porch of the Nedeau house on Lower Ladd Hill Road...  I loved that porch and it's slanted floor...  Aunt Rosie keeping a close eye on the goings on out there....  running around the house at the Wallace's, playing hide and seek under the kitchen table...  feasting on brook trout...  Aunt Sylvia knew how to cook those up real good...  babysitting the Melancen and Paul girls...  they always kept me on my toes especially Theresa, Carol and Angela.  Dolores was a cuddler, and Laura was always so quiet.  Working in the office at uncle Steve's having Stacy and Deidra come in and say hello and give hugs and I love you's, staying after work so that Steve and Linda could go out for dinner...  They were so sweet!  And the Baker boys well, I didn't see them that much, thankful I did get to spend a bit of time with Danielle at the soap box derby races on School House Hill, and we had a few one on one days one being at the Moultonborough Airport where we saw stunt planes and parachuters, and I running beside her when she was learning to ride her two wheeler...  And then there was "little" Ed.  I got to know him quite well as he spent a lot of time at our house as Mumsie took care of him.  He was a scallywag, but really a sweet kid.  He used to like to ride in the back of my Subaru Brat, sometimes hanging on for dear life...  :)  And for all us older Clifford cousins...  remember those hikes up Red Hill and Mount Washington boat rides with Unky?  What fun those trips were!

On the Avery side I think I am more in the middle of all the cousins...  Thanksgiving dinner was always a treat for us cousins...  we would gather at Aunt Charlotte and Uncle Jerry's and have the whole family together...  The adults would sit around the dining room table, and all the kids would sit around banquet tables in the living room...  It was so much fun and there was never a dull moment.  Tom would come and stay with us weekends sometimes...  I remember him with his sleeping bag in the middle of the living room floor, he was the oldest of the Avery clan, and I would sneak out of my room and bring my blanket and lay down with him, and on Saturday mornings we would watch cartoons together.  He was really cool to let me do that.  The McCormack clan was where we hung out quite often.  Mumsie and Aunt Norma would visit and we would just take over the house and yard.  So much to explore in the sand pit, and those winter days sliding down the pit bank..  I wonder if Kathy remembers getting her tongue stuck on the metal part of the sled as much as I do.  Our visits with Sam, Rich and David on Ames Road and later on at their home on 40 Acre Field.  I remember the 40 Acre Field home best, with family cookouts for birthdays, playing basketball of which I never won...  and the family gatherings at the Avery homestead on the Neck Road when Le and Lyndon were so small... sitting around with the grills going, Uncle Lauris' dog Hard Rock sitting next to him and the boys just climbing all over him...

And then we all grew up, and we are all doing our own thing....  thankfully I am able to stay in touch with some on Facebook, and some don't live too far away that I can see from time to time...  I think a cousin reunion should happen....  what do you think?

Yeah, I've been doing some reminiscing...  I do this from time to time...  always brings a smile to my face and my heart ...

Hmmmm.....

I've been doing a lot of reading, listening, women of faith DVD viewing, more reading....  This is what I read this morning...  I really felt the need to share it...

How to Talk to God Before You Talk to Others
“Prayer will make a man cease from sin, or sin will entice a man to cease from prayer.” ~ John Bunyan

When I was in college in the 1980s, I came across a pamphlet entitled “How to Spend an Hour in Prayer.” I had been a Christian for just a couple of years, and I was intrigued. I knew about people called prayer warriors who placed great emphasis on conversing with God, and prayer seemed to come to them as naturally as breathing. Maybe you know some prayer warriors too. They constantly want to know your prayer requests. They habitually intercede for others. For them, spending an hour in prayer is no big thing.

I myself have never been known as a prayer warrior. Ever. In fact, I am more like a prayer wimp. I find it difficult to keep my thoughts from wandering when I pray. They ricochet all over the place as I try to focus on communicating with God.
Way back in the eighties when I came across that pamphlet, I decided that things were going to change. So I took off to a park one sunny, autumn afternoon with my Bible in hand and a resolve in my heart to follow the step-by-step guide. I felt like a spiritual giant.

I settled myself on a quaint park bench near some pine trees and a lovely flower garden. I opened my Bible and looked down at my pamphlet and began to do what it suggested: “Spend five minutes thanking God for the blessings in your life. Spend five minutes praising God for his character qualities,” and so on. Apparently, breaking down the various categories into five-minute increments was supposed to help. But it didn’t help me.

Five minutes seemed like an eternity.

Pretty soon a jogger happened by. He was carrying a small portable radio — without headphones — and the blaring music distracted me. I couldn’t really get into worshiping the Lord with Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” blaring in my ears. (Hmm... maybe in retrospect I should have joined along, singing that tune out loud to the devil!) Two hyper squirrels decided to chase each other up and down a tree and around and around my bench. I laughed at their antics but again lost my place. A family having a picnic nearby decided to engage in a rousing game of Frisbee. The Frisbee got away from one of the children and soared past me, barely missing my head. Even when the animals and humans quieted down, still I had trouble concentrating. I couldn’t focus.

I kept thinking of all the things I had to do back at the dorm. And I got distracted looking around at nature, even though it wasn’t making a sound. I gave up after twenty-three minutes and concluded I just wasn’t cut out to be a prayer warrior.
My prayer wimp status makes me feel spiritually inferior to those for whom prayer comes naturally, but it doesn’t stop there — a lack of prayer affects another area of my life.
When I don’t pray, I am more likely to say things I later regret. Or to say something that needs to be said but I say it in the wrong way or at the wrong time. And there are even times that I say nothing at all when I should really be speaking up. Yes, when I don’t make it a habit to talk to God, I sometimes speak (or fail to speak) to others in a way I later regret.
Talking to God helps me know how to talk to others.

More Prayer=Less Gossip

In addition to the fact that prayer warriors take communicating with God seriously, I have also noticed something else about them. They are not generally known for gossiping, using harsh words, or talking too much. In fact, just the opposite is true.

Could there be a correlation between the time and effort spent talking with God and the quality of our conversations with others?
I think so.

Take my friend Kelly. She and I became close friends over thirty years ago when we were fresh out of high school and both landed on the same floor in our tiny midwestern Christian college dorm. She was on the cheerleading squad. I was on the dance team. She had only sisters. I had only a brother. Her favorite color is lavender. Mine is peach. But the greatest difference between Kelly and me? My mouth has often gotten me into trouble. However, in the thirty years I have known Kelly, I am certain I have never once heard her gossip. Seriously! While she seemed to spend a lot of time talking to the Lord, she did not spend time talking about others. Or talking in an angry way. Or saying the wrong thing. Or talking too much. I don’t ever recall her having to remove her foot from her mouth, something I seemed to have to do often during my college days.
As I got to know her, I noticed right away that she took her relationship with Christ very seriously. Oh, she wasn’t one to do acts of righteousness before others so that she could be thought of as super spiritual. I just noticed things. Like the fact that she often had her Bible open on her dorm bed, where she had highlighted passages (with a lavender highlighter, of course!). Or I would spot her writing in her prayer journal, recording requests from family and friends that she had promised to pray for. She often sent me a note in the campus mail, telling me she was praying specifically for me. The more I got to know her, the more I realized just how important prayer was to my friend Kelly.

Watching Kelly’s life over the years has convinced me that there is a direct correlation between our prayer life and our conversations.

Perhaps if we spent more time and  energy on our prayer life, we would use our tongues more wisely.

Your Turn

Do you have a friend like Kelly who encourages you by example to spend your words wisely? Do you have a habit of saying things you later regret. (I do!) Of gossipping? (Guilty.) Of using harsh words (Yep!) In my journey towards being a prayer warrior, those are still struggles! This Psalm is a constant prayer of mine. Today, let's pause and ask the Holy Spirit to "Set a guard over my mouth, Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips." (Psalm 141:3).

Round and round she goes....

3:30am....  yeah, that's right...  that is the time I woke this morning...  tossing and turning.  The head was so full of stuff...  everything was going round and round... 

My thoughts went from person to person, thing to thing, my heart was hurting, my eyes were watering, deep sighs...  all I could do was say a name quietly, and sigh... 

Then roll over and close my eyes hoping for a little more sleep...  but the eyelids would pop open and another name would be whispered, and another sigh...

I didn't know how to pray for these that I love, I could only whisper their name, and sigh...  but God knows everything...  and I know He heard my heart this morning...

Finally peace...  I rolled over, and got very comfortable...  and the alarm clock sounded that it was time to get up...  5:30am did you come quickly.  

This is the day.... starting over part 2

YES!!!  Starting over was a good thing.  Better eating and a little more exercising...  3 less than last week...  the plateau is no longer.  :)