And we continue....

Well, it's been just over a month since I blogged last.  More tests and procedures have happened...  and I have nothing new to report except...  my heart is "pristine".  I really liked that report, however had hoped to find a reason for all this stuff going on.  God knows, and I am not going to worry myself with it...

I am just grateful for each day, each minute of each day...  that I have breath, that I am able to get up in the morning....  that I have a God who never leaves me...  that He gives me the strength I need each and every day to make it through.

So, that's it for now.  Just a short update...

The questions....

How ya feelin'?  So, have they figured out what's wrong with you yet?  Have they tested you for...? Hey, I just got this email add about...  maybe you should get tested for that?  Ever thought about changing doctors?  I think you should go to Boston, they will figure it out...  what do you think?  and they go on and on...

I know that everyone means well...  and I do appreciate your concern.  So, I am going to answer your questions here in this blog...   if I can...

How am I feeling?  "I'm okay!"  that's my standard answer.  I don't feel sick, but I am sick.  I tire easily, have to sit a lot after doing much of nothing to rest and catch my breath.  I'm okay...  and I savor every minute of what I can do.

No, they haven't figured anything out..  yet...  but we are working on it.  I have had more blood tests, MRI's, CT scans, ultrasounds, xrays, stress echo's in the last two months than I have had in my lifetime.  Well maybe not, but it sure does seem like it.

Yes, they probably have tested me for that.  They have tested me for so many things that have come back negative that I have lost track...

Changing doctors?  Not a chance...  I am quite confident in mine, and I know that he will send me to whoever I need to go to to figure this out.

And Boston?  Why?  God has gifted these men and women that I am seeing right here in New Hampshire.

Yes, I know that you are only trying to help...  that you are concerned for me.  And I thank you for that.  But instead of the questions, how about sharing a cup of coffee with me and just visit.  Let's get to know one another better.  Let's talk about how God has taken care of us, and share life with one another.  Let's be real?

I have given this over to God to take care of.  I am so grateful for each and every day that I can put my feet on the floor and get out of bed.  Thankful for each and every minute that I get to spend with Him and my family and friends...  to work, to serve, to minister, to be...

I love you all...

An Update...

I had a really good office visit with my doctor Monday.  My appointment was at 11:10am, I got there at 11:00am and was taken right in.  I had written down everything I could think of to talk with him about, questions, thoughts, just about anything that had come to mind.  And he sat there listening, really listening...  answering when he could...   he didn't rush me, he let me take my time and understand some things...  he showed me the test results, let me read them myself  and ...   I looked at the clock when I was leaving, and it was noon time...  an hour.

I got some answers...  not all the answers I had hoped for, but we aren't finished yet either.  We are now testing for Lyme, and I am being scheduled to see a cardiologist.  I am confident that we will get to the bottom of all this...  I would really like it to be now...  but, it isn't.  And that is okay...  I know that God is taking care of me, giving me the strength I need to make it through it all.

It hasn't been an easy 3 months for sure.  Quite a challenge actually.  And every day I wake up I thank God for another day.  He is my refuge and my strength.

I know...

I am tired of feeling like this... I've got to admit that finding joy(James 1:2) in this illness (or whatever it is) hasn't been easy... I do know that I am not in this alone (Isaiah 41:13)... and that "I can do all things through him who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)

I would love to say that we have answers, and that I am well... but I can't. We still have no answers. I am still having the breathing issues... I am doing things much slower, kind of like slow motion so that I can catch my breath in the middle of what I'm doing so that I don't experience the pounding heart like I was... and talking, I have cut back on that too. Yeah, I even run out of air when I'm talking, so sometimes my sentences are stopped mid stream to take a breath... singing, I love to sing... can be quite a chore... but I will be praising Him in song, maybe not as loud as I would like to... I know he hears me even when I whisper.

So even though I haven't gotten any medical answers, except that every test so far says that I am healthy... this is what I do know...

I know that I have been allowed to go through this for some reason... I know it has slowed me down, and that has given me more time to be in His Word, to study and learn and spend more time in prayer and conversation with Him. It has made me stop and think about what's important to me. My priorities and goals have changed over the last 3 months for sure. I'm not rushing from one thing to the next just because I can... I am asking Him for guidance and direction in everything...

I am asking that His will be done in me and through me... I am ready to be used by Him...

It's the little things....

Oh my goodness!  This has been a very difficult couple of months.  The shortness of breath, pounding heart, "catch breath" stuff...  I've had, xrays, blood work, ultra-sounds, stress echo, CT scan, more blood work, several doctors visits...  and still can't explain what the underlying problem is...

I have been literally unable to do anything...  the stuff I love to do here at home...  cooking, washing dishes, laundry...  it was a real struggle, and still is quite honestly...  but I am pressing on, and doing the best I can...  thankful that I have a very supportive husband that pitches in and helps, and doesn't mind things getting done slower if they get done at all.

There have been days that I would sit down and cry because I just couldn't walk across the floor without being out of breath...  Scary...  extremely scary.

This morning I am grateful for the little things I can do now...  they may not seem like much, but to me they are HUGE!!!  I can do the dishes without having to sit after only a few minutes, I can fold an entire load of laundry without taking a break, I actually walked up a flight of stairs at church having to sit at the top for a minute or two, but I haven't been able to do that for nearly two months.  I could play corn hole without to much effort on the breathing with Michelle yesterday...

Today I go to see the doctor to get results of a CT scan and some blood work that I had done this week, and to see what more I need to do...  so you could pray that there might be some answers...  but if not, I am praising God that He is giving me the strength to get through each day, every minute of each day...  praising Him that I am able to greet the morning, and live each day to the fullest.

What does He have planned for me today?  I don't know.  But I am ready...  because with His strength I can do it...

Seems like it is just a waiting game....

Or maybe it's who's going to back down first.  If we make her wait long enough, maybe she'll just give up...  that's how I've been feeling through this "experience".  Well, it isn't going to be me giving in...

The stress echo test took three days to get approved by the insurance company...  good thing I wasn't having a heart attack...  it did show my heart was healthy, however it is pumping to hard on minimal activity.  Am I getting enough oxygen?  So a CAT scan of my chest needs to be done to find out if the lungs are clear of clots or an infection that the previous xrays wouldn't show.  Friday the insurance company was alerted, they finally gave approval yesterday afternoon.  So I have that scheduled but not until August 10th.  At least it is scheduled.

I know that we will get to the bottom of this, and that God has it all under control, but I am just tired of feeling this way.  So very tired of feeling this way.

So, I've been praying for answers and healing...  would you pray with me?

This has been quite an experience....

For the past 5 to 6 weeks I have been dealing with some health issues that were really scary...  I only shared this with a few people.  I had been experiencing shortness of breath, pounding heart beat, trouble concentrating, and exhaustion.  For 3 1/2 weeks I knew I could beat this on my own, whatever it was...  only to see that that was not happening.  I could do nothing, literally.  The normal menial tasks of making the bed, doing the dishes, folding the laundry, sweeping the floor was such a chore that I would have to go and sit down to catch my breath and wait for my heart to settle down.  I had become afraid of what it could be.  But I was afraid to go to the doctor too because I didn't want to know what it could be...

But, David convinced me that I should go...  his constant "how are you feeling?" "I think you should go to the doctor."  He was very persistent.  And I listened finally, kicking and screaming all the way.

First step was the blood work...  and a 40 minute visit with the doctor.   Results, blood work was good.  Phew!  Second step three days later was a chest xray, and this is what scared me the most with family history and all.  Results, all clear.  A big sigh of relief there.  and then the third step yesterday was a stress echocardiogram.  I've got to admit that I was pretty stressed going for the "stress" test.  It ended up being a walk in the park...  well, kind of?  Result that same day...  heart is strong, no issues.
So now my question was...  "Why am I feeling like this?"  An answer I received was...  STRESS!

So when I had a little extra time this morning, I've been doing some reading on stress and a bit more...  and how does it make you feel?  Broken, useless, sick, weak, frustrated....  One of the articles I read was very interesting and hit it right on for me....  It was titled "Stressed Out,  Overwhelmed, Totally Exhausted."

I have looked up the definitions...  and yeah...    I was extremely overwhelmed with a task that needed to be dealt with, leading to being stressed out getting things done, and that leading to exhaustion.  I had a deadline to meet with this obligation...  on top of my job, working on this project until 7 or 8 at night 5 days a week, plus 12 to 13 hours on Saturdays for 4 to 5 weeks straight..  I was running on fumes...  I knew it, but thought when it was done I would be back to normal...  That did not happen... and  now here I am, sick and tired of being sick and tired....  and of being afraid of being sick and tired...

Stressed Out: suffering from high levels of physical and/or psychological stress
Overwhelmed: to have too many things to deal with
Totally Exhausted:  to tire extremely or completely

Now that I know that I am "healthy"...  no blood, heart, or lung issues...  I will be working on this stress thing...  relaxing...  napping (not during work hours)...  not taking on tasks that require to much thought or energy...  *chillin'*...  I need to feel better...  I need to get back to being me...

I knew stress was not good for you....  but I never realized how debilitating it could be....

Now, what's for dinner?