Attitude change.

 I thought I would just share a bit about how my attitude has changed since 2017.

Every time I think about what could have happened, I have tears that roll down my cheeks.    I have a love of life that is beyond my wildest dreams, I love my family more than ever, and I love my God more than I ever thought would be possible.  I have made a choice to be more present in this life, in my families life, my church families life.  I'm learning to accept me, my body, and all its flaws.  

In two days (June 13 and 14, 2017) my body went through two traumatic events, a total hip replacement and a stroke.  And I am still here.  I am left with a slight limp from the surgery with one leg being a slight bit longer than the other, and have a loss of eyesight (right side homonymous hemianopsia) from the stroke.  But, I am still here.  I am ready to serve my Jesus in whatever He calls me to, to love on my family whenever and however I can, and to do what I can to share with my church family.

The love I have for my guy just gets deeper and stronger every day.  It's like falling in love with him over and over again.  

Oh, I've had days that I just can't...  just have a pity party...  but then I remember I was spared death for a reason.  God's not done with me yet.  I have a purpose and a mission, and I am going to pursue whatever it is.

There you have it, I've had an attitude adjustment.  And I am loving how it has made me more alive.

This is a short video of the loss of eyesight if you are interested.   https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=homonymous+hemianopsia&docid=608025631137074750&mid=F97D2B24DA9503AA1269F97D2B24DA9503AA1269&view=detail&FORM=VIRE

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I just read a lesson on this verse written by Liz Curtis Higgs and also watched her video as she broke this verse down...  I am going to share my notes.  


And we know that...  we are well assured, we are confident

in all things...  everything, every detail in our lives, if it matters to us, it matters to God

God works...  God is working on it, He labors on our behalf and gets the job done, always, Whatever mess you're in He's in it with you

for the good...  everything that happens fits into a pattern, God works toward something good and beautiful, He works in our lives, hands on, cleaning, straightening, repairing, overhauling, taking apart, putting back together

of those who love him...  Do you love God?  Do you love Him?  Do you believe what He has for you is for your good?  not a warm happy feeling but, but are you willing to make a commitment, to trust, to sacrifice.  That's the real test of faith.  
My answer?  Yes, Lord!  Whatever You have for me in this life I will receive as a gift of love from Your hands.

who have been called...  we've been called to be saints, the people God chose because that was his plan, summoned

according to his purpose...  in fulfilment of his design, in keeping with his purpose.  
Isaiah 64:8  "We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand."


"Once we accept the truth that He is the King of kings..., life becomes more joyful, change becomes more manageable, pain becomes more bearable, hope becomes more certain, and love becomes more real."  Liz Curtis Higgs

I haven't put a title on my little blog here, I'm trying to think of a good one as I type away.  I guess you could say that I am sitting here thinking about the last three years and seeing how God has worked through everything that has happened and everything that is still going on.

I can honestly say that it hasn't been an easy go of it, and there have been some days that have been downright ugly, but I have always been drawn back to who is in control, and it definitely isn't me.

2017 brought a total hip replacement and stroke June 13 and 14.   November 2017 through June of 2018 I went through a bit of depression.  Not really a bit...  I was so sad and frustrated over what I had lost...  or what I thought I had lost...  I didn't see what I had.  2019 I was hospitalized on June 26 with a life threatening blood clot that went from my ankle up into my abdomen.  Being released a few days later with strict orders not to work, rest and elevate.  November 6, 2019 David had blood work and results came back showing high platelets, bone marrow biopsy done, and so many blood tests, lots of visits with the oncologist and another bone marrow biopsy done and on March 6, 2020,  we finally had a diagnosis.  Essential Thrombocythemia.  A bone marrow cancer/disease.  Now we know, what can be done?  Oral chemo medication to get the platelet count down and to a safe place.  It has taken until this last blood test yesterday, August 10, to see it in the acceptable range. 

So why am I sharing all of this?  Because my story, our story, is all in God's plan.  Why is this part of God's plan?  I don't really know.  But I do know that there hasn't been a time that God hasn't been with us.  I may not have looked at it that way all the time, I may have felt left alone and that he wasn't there with me at all.  But, I can say that when I stopped feeling sorry for myself, or for us, when I just stopped and remembered that I am not in control of all things, but God is and was there the whole time.  He hadn't left us...  He was waiting with His arms wide open.

I know without a doubt that what I/we have been through, and even what is to come my/our way, God has it all under control.  And I have to relinquish my control to Him, totally.  I need to surrender it all into His hands.

Romans 8:28  "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

I know this to be true.  I may not be back to 100% from  the stroke or the blood clot, and David still has the bone marrow cancer/disease...  but we are still here, still functioning, still able to work, still able to serve our great God.  I have grown closer and more in love with God through all of this, I have grown more in love with David and life through it all.  I am not taking any minute for granted, and am loving the simplest of things even more.  The time we spend together is more precious, and the simple things of picnics by the rivers and ponds, and stopping to look and smell the flowers along our way...  What a blessing to be able to see, feel, smell, hear, touch all that has been created by our Great God.  Even in the difficult times there is always something to be thankful for.

I give God all the praise, through the good and the not so good.  He is my strength and my refuge.  I know full well that I can't do life without Him.  

A few thoughts...

So, last week I read someone’s blog that was posted on a friends facebook page.  It was titled “Grieving the person I used to be before chronic illness”.  I definitely could relate to that title from having a stroke two years ago.  As I started reading it was like a bit of dejavu.  Oh, how I would love to be able to go out and play softball, or coach or umpire for the town youth softball games.  I had actually started thinking about it as the season was approaching.  But I had some hip pain and needed surgery, so maybe next year.  And then the hip replacement on June 13^th and the stroke diagnosis on June 14^th.  I had died, and was brought back to life, being left with a vision loss called “right homonymous hemianopia”.  Pretty cool, huh? NOT!!!

So, needless to say, that was the beginning of me “grieving the person I used to be”.    More than you can imagine I wanted to be her again.  But, that was not going to happen.  Not being able to see to the right without turning my head would put me and those playing, and those I would be coaching/officiating at risk of getting hurt. 

I had to realize that I am the same person, just a little broken and bruised.  I’ve got to admit that that realization didn’t happen over night, and that I still have some moments of what if’s, but they are so few and far between now.  I am here because God isn’t finished with me yet.  I have grown more in my faith these last two years, and am fully committed to being used by God.  He uses ordinary, bruised and broken people.   That’s definitely me.  And I am ready and willing for Him to use me.

I have a wonderful support team.  David is my “right hand guy”.  Literally and figuratively.  He walks on my right so that I don’t run into people or walls.  *SNICKER*  It’s happened.  He is my “sight to the right”.  Michelle and Melissa are my bouncers and keep me tuned in to reality.  Friends who let me be me…  warts and all…  encouraging me, challenging me to be all that God wants me to be.

I’m not at all going to sit back and wallow in what I could do before…  instead I am moving forward in anticipation of all that I can do now.  God had a plan for my life before I was born, and all of this is part of His plan for me…  why?  I don’t know. But I am still here, and there is work to be done.  And may it all be done to bring Him all the praise and all the glory.

I'm not sure what to title this blog...  so I will just type and figure it out later.

I've used the word "overwhelmed" a lot lately...  but I'm not sure it's the right word to use.  Since my stroke in June, and losing the right side vision in both of my eyes, it has been somewhat of a challenge to adjust. And it is hard to describe the sensation to those that have not experienced it.

I find it challenging to be in a crowd with people on all sides, it's like a door is closed to the right.  And when I turn to the right, there are all those people I had no idea were there.  I find it so much easier to talk one on one or two with them standing right there in front of me then being in a crowd of people.  I'm not trying to ignore anyone, it's just "overwhelming" for me to be in a crowd.

And when I am in familiar places, but things have been rearranged...  like last night for instance at CBC for the One Voice concert.  Familiar surroundings, but the chairs were set up differently.  Instead of having the two rows of chairs with the center aisle the chairs were all lined up together.  No center aisle.  And my bearings got all messed up because I couldn't see to the right...  I had to purposefully walk to an individual with my back to the wall so that I wouldn't walk into someone or something.  And when we left, I had to literally hold onto to David's belt loop because there were people on both sides of me, and I just could not see those on my right, so to avoid running into them I followed him closely.

written in spring 2018

Limitations? UGH!!!

What is the meaning of limitation?  according to dictionary.com it is - a limiting condition; restrictive weakness; lack of capacity; inability or handicap.

So, why am I blogging about limitations?  I really didn't want to think about limitations, and I don't want limitations, but I have found I have limitations....

I have always been able and capable to do just about anything, at any time...  and I am struggling with not being able to.  Yep, I have found that I have limitations now.  My mind still races with all kinds of things I want to do, that I would love to do...  but I just can't.  I am adjusting to this new lifestyle of limitations.  Hmpf!!! and I am not adjusting all that well with it.  

Written 2018

FEAR NOT!

This past Saturday, I shared my testimony with a wonderful group of women.  It was quite a day, I was so encouraged and blessed.  So I wanted to sit and blog what I shared with all of you, if it could make a difference in just one persons life, WOW!

Good morning everyone!  It is so good to see you, and to be able to share my testimony and teaching with you.  

I wasn't sure what to wear today...  I was thinking I could wear my superhero outfit, or my human outfit...  but then I just decided that I would wear this, black and blue.  You see I am living a life that is bruised, but it is NOT broken.  

This past year and a half has been tough.  I went in on June 13, 2017 for a total hip replacement, that went really well, but on June 14, 2017 when PT came in to get me up, I had suffered a stroke.  I had no heart beat.  They called a "code blue" and all the nurses were running to my room when my husband was walking down the hall to see me.  I have no idea what happened for the rest of the day...  but when I was alert enough, they took me for a CAT scan and an ultrasound, had an EKG...  and yes, it was a stroke, leaving me with a "tired brain" and a loss of vision in both eyes, "blind spots".

Having the "blind spots" in my vision and the sometimes tired brain, has been difficult.  It has limited the things I can do that I always could do.  I am still independent, but not as much as I used to be.  Walls move in front of my from time to time, and people just appear "poof" out of no where.  And the little things like the comb and toothpaste disappearing as soon as I get to the sink, only to find that they were playing hid and seek and turn up right where they are supposed to be.  And did you know that that counter that extends into the kitchen is quite solid?  I found that out yesterday.

And because of the stroke that caused these "blind spots", I had become afraid.  Fear...  every headache, every twinge...  was it another stroke?  Will I die this time?  

And anxiety...  I couldn't be in crowds, my claustrophobia was exacerbated because of the "blind spots"...  I started to shut down, didn't want to participate in anything, all I wanted was to be left alone.  

I had given the devil the "foothold" that he needed to plant the seeds of discouragement, defeat, despair...    But, I allowed it to happen, in my weakened state I wallowed in self pity.  Poor me...  I can't do anything...  I am so tired.  How can God use me now?  Yeah!!!  Pathetic!  And I know that now, but it was hard to see it then.  I felt broken.  Useless.  And who really cares? 

All I knew then was that I was so tired.  tired of everything.  I would shut down emotionally.  Crowds and noise would make things worse.  I didn't want to be like this...  but...  now what?

Melissa was getting married in July, and I remember her asking me this simple question that shook me to my core...  "Mom, aren't you excited that I am getting married?"  I wasn't showing it...  I wanted to, but I didn't know how.

I was reading my devotions, I can't tell you what day or what it was, but I began to weep...  I didn't know what was going on...  so I began to pray, I wept, I cried out to God...  Help me, Lord!

And this was His answer...  Isaiah 41:10 "fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will srengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Mmmm....  fear not, God is with me...  fear not, God is my God...  fear not, God will give me strength...  fear not, God will help me...  fear not, God will hold me up.

Praise God!!!!  I needed to stop defining and limiting my future in terms of my circumstances and start letting God be God.  He is greater than my circumstances.

John 14:27 ...   "Let not your heart be troubled... "

Let not MY heart be troubled, believe in God.  I needed to believe in God.  Trust God. Let God by my God.  My help.  My strength.  He WILL uphold with his righteous right hand.