Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Lord, what do you want me to do?

This has been a question I have been trying to get an answer to for many years...  I am kind of impatient, and I would like to run with what I think I should be doing, you know helping God out ahead of time.  Done that, and it hasn't been pretty!

Let me back up a little...  I felt "called" of God to get involved in women's ministry when our girls were in junior/senior high school.  What did that mean?  I didn't know.  I had organized some get togethers and Saturday retreats at my home, fellowship, studies, prayer times....  That started many years ago, and the desire to work with women has only gotten stronger.  But what now? 

Fast forward to 4 months ago.  While sitting in a Missions conference meeting, listening to all the great things the women in the conference were doing...  I felt overwhelmed with a sense of God "calling" me to get involved, but what did that mean?  And then a need was brought before the group, and I asked for prayer.  As the day went on I felt so convicted that I could help with that need I took the step of faith, and said yes.  I was petrified, I must admit.  What did I just say yes to?  I HAD NO IDEA!  But, what I did know was that  God had orchestrated it all.  I was "called" to women's ministry, and I was answering that "call".   Four months later, and I still don't know what I got myself into.  And my question is still "Lord, what do you want me to do?" 

I have been immersing myself in the Word, reading books (and I don't like to read).  Lysa Terkeurst has become a favorite author.  I began reading her book "Becoming More Than A Good Bible Study Girl"....   "What Happens When Women Say Yes To God", and "What Happens When Women Walk In Faith" have made me stop and think BIG TIME.   They are personal and honest books, could be called "self help" books, but they have a study that goes along with them, and it gets you into the Word and challenges your thinking.  That's what I need as I try to get the answer to my question.  So, here I am today...  and after all these years....  and I'm still asking the question. 

This morning I was late to work.  I know, shame on me..  but I just couldn't stop doing what I was doing...  I was looking to God...  I have been challenged by my readings yesterday and then again this morning...  to spend time with Him, to cry out to Him, to stop and listen to Him, to quiet my mind and heart and hear  Him...  so as I sat by the lake, time got so far away from me...   I knew I was where I needed to be at that moment...  tears streaming down my cheeks, blurred vision....   thank you Lord....  and off to work I went...

Lord, I am here...  and I will wait on you...  what is it that you want me to do...  

2 Thessalonians 3:5  Now may the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God and into the patience of Christ.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Hidden treasures....

I've been doing a bit of cleaning out, you know downsizing?  We have moved from a three bedroom home with three walk in closets to a one bedroom with 2 small closets.  So, I have lots of pictures and paintings and "stuff" that has had to be packed and gone through a little at a time, and then off to the dump, or given away, or the famous "yard sale" that not much sold at...  so it ended up being the "free" stuff on the side of the road.

But now, getting on with the story...  I found some treasures that had been packed and hidden away.  I don't know when these were done, the year etc., but I do know that these are some of the treasures that will take center stage in our new home.

    Trivets made by Melissa and Michelle on the left over tiles of Grammie and Grampa's kitchen floor
                                                           Michelle's masterpiece
                                                         Melissa's masterpiece

                                   Another one from Melissa (don't know where this tile came from)
           I need to find frames for these next two pictures so that I can hang them in the living room.
                                                                Melissa's artwork
                                                              Michelle's artwork

I also found two trivets that my Mom had made when she and Dad were into the ceramic mode in 1998.  I didn't get pictures of them...   but will be using them quite often.

I will probably find more hidden treasures....  finding these has done my heart good...  I can feel it smiling....

Thursday, October 11, 2012

I was challenged...

and I haven't lived up to that challenge...  so here is my blog...   Yes, K-Ann.  I will be back to blogging, and it will be, hopefully, weekly.

So, I've posted for this week.....  phew!!!! 

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Finally Home...

Sitting here at the computer this morning, looking around at our "home", I am experiencing a warm, happy moment.  Tears are filling my eyes.  Since we moved into my parents place last November, it has been difficult for me to really settle in and think of this as our "home".  It's always been Mom and Dad's, and I have always referred to it as that.  It's the place that I lived for most of my life, where I grew up, and left to go out on my own, to return to when I needed a place to go, a sanctuary of sorts...  to Mom and Dad's.....

Now, I'm looking at it as something different.  It will always be Mom and Dad's place...  but now I'm looking around and seeing it as our "home".  We have put a lot of work and energy to make it the way we wanted it.  David and I worked together to make this our "home", but yet I couldn't even think of it as that.  Don't get me wrong, I love this place, and I love what we have done to make it ours.   But I just couldn't get there...

I think the release of resentment and anger toward God this past weekend has softened my heart so that I can see this place, Mom and Dad's place....  as our "new home".  Tears, joy, love....  that's what I am experiencing right now...

Welcome "home".............. 

Monday, September 17, 2012

Women's Retreat September 14-16, 2012

What an incredible weekend!  I'm going to start from the beginning....   Friday night...   I met Susan at her house and rode with her to Alton Bay.  We had a chance to catch up on things and happenings in our families and at CBC on our way there and on the way home....   The worship was great!  and the message from the guest speaker, Hilda, was challenging...

Saturday morning and I was off to meet Susan once again for our ride to Alton Bay.  Well, I'll spare the details, but we ended up taking our own cars...  first thing to start the mornings retreat was to meet in our prayer and friendship circles, I think there were 11 in our group and such a diverse group (teachers, nurses, stay at home mom's, retirees, etc.)... then off to the sessions...

Through the worship before every session I could feel the Holy Spirit...  such enthusiasm from the worship leaders, and you could tell they loved the Lord as they shared scripture and their talents with all of us....  Praising God with 132 women, sisters in Christ, I felt so blessed to be a part of it...

The sessions were challenging..  "What's behind your mask?"  What is it that you are hiding from facing...  I listened intently to what was being said...   thinking, "what am I hiding?  what mask am I wearing?"  I wasn't coming up with anything....  "maybe I'm not wearing one. but how can that be, I'm certainly not perfect.  I'm definitely not there yet."  I kept listening to what Sharon was saying, intently....  and I didn't have an answer...

Ah, lunch time...  sitting around a table of 8, meeting new people, renewing friendships with others....   sharing and laughing as if we had known each other for ever....  just love that...  and then came an afternoon of activities and free time....  some went hiking, some made jewelry, some napped and me, I went off by myself to read my Bible and pray...

This is what I prayed....   Psalm 139:23 + 24.  "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."   I don't know how many times I read these verses, or prayed these words...  but we had 4 1/2 hours of free time....  so it was more than once....   I studied what it said...  I appealed to God that He would reveal anything and everything to me.  I prayed that He let me see it, and that He remove it from me.  I read through the book of Proverbs, "Hear my cry" over and over....   and I felt nothing.

The last session of the day came...  it was nothing short of beautiful.  Worship and Sharon's message...  we had been given a piece of paper at the beginning of the session, and at the end we were asked to write on that paper what was behind our mask...  I sat there...  with nothing...   then we were asked for those who wanted to to go forward and nail that paper to the cross and give it to Jesus...   I watched as one after another of those sisters in Christ went forward and some gently tapping the nail, and then some others pounding the nail....  and I still hadn't come up with anything....  so I sat there, praying.....  dropping my paper back in my bag....   After the session I decided to go right home, not stay for the prayer and friendship circle time...  I was exhausted, and I had an hour drive home....   needed to be ready for Sunday morning...

Sunday, and oh my goodness....  we slept until 8:30am and I had to leave by 8:45am...   or I had planned on it anyways so that I could have a bit of time without rushing....   I didn't leave home until 9:10am, and I made it there with minutes to spare....  phew!!  Nothing could have prepared me for what was going to happen there that morning....  worship was uplifting, encouraging.  I felt drawn in.  Then testimonies were shared, one right after another...  how God had used the weekend to speak to each one, and then Becky got up to speak...  and I remember clearly hearing the words....  "none of us are perfect", "none of us have reached our goal"....  right then I heard a small voice say "that's right, Sharon...  you're not perfect, you definitely have not reached your goal"....   "I have heard your cry, and you have not heard my reply"...    the tears started to flow, my heart hurt....   I had been praying, but I had not opened my heart to hear...  I am listening now, Lord....   help me....  what have I been hiding...  not letting go of....   resentment and anger...  "you need to deal with these"....  I needed a tissue...  should have used more than one...

I didn't even know that I was holding onto the anger and resentment until that moment.  And then...  yes God....  I have been angry with you, and resented you....  for taking my Mom and Dad from me just a month and a half apart.  I wasn't ready....  You see, my Dad had been diagnosed with lung cancer in July of 2010, my Mom had been diagnosed in 1999 with pulmonary fibrosis of the lungs and bronchial obliterans organized pneumonia....  and in 2000 was diagnosed with breast cancer...  she was a fighter and had been a cancer survivor for all those years with no sign of cancer after her surgery.  I drove Dad to most of his chemo and radiation treatments and Mom would come along and we had some really sweet and precious times together through it all.  Dad shared stories and Mom would laugh.  And I got to really know my parents...  how much they loved each other, and how much they sacrificed for my brother and me as we grew up...  how much they loved us....  We almost lost Dad in October 2010 from his treatments, not the cancer...  but praise the Lord, he pulled through and the next step was a nursing home.  He was getting great care, but he really wanted to come home, so in February we moved him back home.  I spent the first week staying with them, and then because I had work, one of Dad's sister offered to come spend the nights so that I could get some much needed sleep.  Mom and Dad decided that it would be best if they moved in with us, so March 5 we moved them down...  each in their wheelchairs....  what a ride they got going through the snow....  Things were going well...  Mom was much more relaxed and had started eating better...  Dad was Dad...  not much else to say...  I loved having them with us...  Dad's sisters and two niece's would take turns coming in to stay with them Monday through Friday so I could work, and my brother would come on Sundays for a couple of  hours so that David and I could go to church.  Can't say that it wasn't hard at times, actually most of the time, but I would do it all again if given the chance...   Then we started noticing Mom getting weaker, and she was the strong one..   She developed pneumonia that was diagnosed on April 3, and on the morning of April 6th, 2011 while I was sitting on the floor holding her hand and singing Amazing Grace, Mom took her last breath.  Heartbreak!  Why God?  Why?  I had to hold it together...  Dad needed to be told so my brother and I sat beside him and told him, I took him to the bedroom to say his goodbyes...  the hardest thing I have ever had to do was to watch my Dad cry and hug and kiss the woman he had loved for 56 1/2 years, and to say his final goodbye...  From that point on, Dad didn't eat much, he refused xrays and medicines...  the hospice nurses and doctor felt his cancer was spreading, and on May 17, 2011 while my brother and I were sitting with him, Dad took his last breath.   It was okay, I was okay....

but, it wasn't okay and I wasn't okay, and it took this weekend to realize it.  I resented God for taking Mom and Dad away from me...  I was angry with Him for taking them away from me...  oh how my heart was aching...  and then I felt His arms wrapped around me, comforting me, telling me it was okay, and that He loved me.  And He reminded me that I will see them again...  you see Dad had received Christ December 18, 2010 while at the nursing home with a very dear friend of mine, and Mom received Christ March 17, 2011 with me in her room at home.

I know that God is not finished with me yet, as I still have not reached that finish line.... Philippians 3:12-16.

Thank you Becky and Sharon for sharing the same vision.  For your love and caring enough to bring the message that was shared.  Thank you Marilyn and Jennie for your hearts of worship as you led us to the foot of the cross.  Thank you to the prayer leaders, the cooks in the kitchen, the behind the scenes people that made it all come together...  It's a weekend that I was blessed to be a part of... 

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Getting Intentional

I have for the past couple of years been waiting on the Lord.  Waiting is not easy for me, I am a hurry up and get 'er done kind of gal.  It has been difficult to not see results as I have prayed for God to show me where He wants me, what He wants me to do...  I am ready, Lord...   here I am, Lord....   now, Lord....  well, you get the idea.

I felt His nudge to release myself from various ministries I was involved in, okay, I did that.  And I felt Him nudge me to an area that was definitely NOT in my gift of service...  or that's what I thought.  And it has been a fun time, and definitely a learning time.  And now I am feeling that nudge to move out again in faith and trust.  What could it be?  I have always had a heart for women's ministry, and led a women's Sunday school class, and several Bible studies.  So what is it Lord?  Again I am praying for what? where? when?  And I am still waiting....

In June I attended for my third year the WH&FMS Missions Conference at Alton Bay.  It was the best time.  Worshiping with all those women, praying and hearing how God is working in the hearts and lives of these women.  A new ministry opportunity presented by Becky Nicoll titled "Mary's Heart".  I've got to tell you, goosebumps...  oh yeah...   goosebumps!

Then to business....  Becky announced that there was an opening for president of the Maranatha Conference...  asked everyone to be in prayer for that position.  My stomach started churning, I had only had a slice of toast and a cup of coffee for breakfast...  so I was a bit uncomfortable with the hunger pangs...  or so I thought.  As Becky continued with her report, I prayed for that request.  It was the least I could do.  I nudged Susan sitting beside me and said Susan they are looking for a president...  I thought, she would be perfect...   the hunger pangs were stronger, and I was about to excuse myself to go out and find something to eat, when we were excused for a break to get a refreshment and drink.  Phew!!!  I wanted to go up and see Becky for a minute, and Susan wanted to go too...  but before we did I looked at Susan and said something to the effect of....  pray for me, I think the Lord is nudging me to find out more about this presidency thing....  what?  did I really say that?   I waited my turn to talk with Becky, and yes, I asked her to pray with me about it.  The hunger pangs were kind of subsiding...  we had a wonderful time of prayer.

Well, as the day moved on I called David and talked about what I was feeling and believing that it was of the Lord, and his comment to me in return was...  "If you know it is of the Lord, go for it. "  I asked him to pray, and I would continue to pray through the afternoon..   The rest of the afternoon was just as incredible as the morning...  what a great spirit there that Saturday....   Well, I had been praying, everyone had been praying...  there was no question in my mind....  I should go and tell Becky that I felt the call of the Lord to fill this position...  I was so excited!  She was excited, the board was excited...   God had opened a door to women's ministry, right there, not where I thought it would be....  I was thinking CBC, but He had other plans...  His plan...  for me that Saturday.

This is the year I will be intentional about pursuing the ministry to women God has placed on my heart....  as I am typing this blog, I am getting so excited about the possibilities to minister with the women in the New Hampshire Maranatha Conference...  I am looking forward to this new journey....  I am looking forward to what God has for me on this journey....   so excited!  goosebumps! 

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Writing a blog...

I've been thinking about writing a blog for some time now.  But I just couldn't get my thoughts together to make sense of anything.  There is so much floating around in my brain, that it is so hard to know where to begin....   So today, right this very minute, I have decided to write a blog.

So here it is...

A BLOG.......


Monday, March 19, 2012

I'm Smiling....

I am sitting here this morning, smiling.  Yes, smiling!  Thinking about those short little bowed legs and toes that turn in when he walks.  Just makes me smile out loud....   :)   The little fingers and thumb wrapped around my finger as we walked on the sidewalk.  Chatting quietly and then excitedly as a motorcycle goes by.  My heart is smiling now...   if that is possible...  sure feels like it.

His squealing laughter, and funny noises....  his chatter...  that face, and those brilliant blue eyes.  His hugs and kisses and waves good bye....  

His running across the living room to find Grampa sitting in his chair, and climbing up to sit on his Grampa's lap to play with whatever Grampa has in his pockets.

That precious little face when he spots me in the kitchen, and then the word "cracker?" is said as clearly as can be.   Oh yes, I am the "cracker" Grammie....   :)  and of course there is one for each hand.

What a joy it is to be a Grammie!  

Thursday, March 15, 2012


John 16:33  "....  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world."  NIV
                   "....  In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties.  But take heart!  I've conquered the world."  MESS
                   "....  In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world."  NAS
                   "....  In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."  NKJV

Take heart!  Take courage!  Be of good cheer!    These are really hard to do sometimes.  I don't know about you, but when my world seems to come crashing down around me, it is pretty difficult to be cheerful or courageous.   So, I decided to investigate and find out what it really means.

take heart
Be confident, be brave, as in Take heart, we may still win this game . This idiom uses heart  in the sense of "courage." 
good cheer
cheerful spirits; courage: to be of good cheer.
Ah ha!  I see a pattern here..  and each thing I read and go to mentions the word "courage".  Well, being courageous can still be hard.  Especially if you are trying to do it on your own.  But, we don't have to do it on our own.  
The last part of the verse is the key.  Jesus has overcome, He has conquered.  And we can too, with His help.  There will be troubles, we will experience difficulties, there will be tribulation....  but it doesn't have to overcome us....  Jesus has experienced it all....  and He overcame and conquered.  And He promised to never leave us or forsake us, so He is there to help us overcome and conquer.  Phew!!!  Am I glad that I don't have to do it all alone.  
Philippians 4:13  "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." 


Wednesday, March 14, 2012


John 14:27  "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you.  Not as the world gives do I give to you.  Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful."

This verse was given to me years ago by a dear friend when preparing to go for a biopsy, and it has been a verse that I turn to every time things get difficult or troubling.  I guess you could say this verse is my security blanket.  It brings me comfort when hurt, softness when afraid and security when I feel alone.

But, it is not the verse that really brings me the comfort, softness and security.  It is Jesus that holds me close.  Jesus gives me peace in the midst of the storms of life.  The verse is just a reminder of who Jesus is, and what He will do for me.  He is my Comforter, my Savior, my Messiah.  He is all I need -- nothing else.

So today I am leaning on Jesus.  Not because I am hurt, or afraid or alone, but for His peace in direction and decisions.

Father God, thank You for giving me the faith to trust You in all situations.  You have been faithful to me through the years, You are all I need..... nothing else.  Amen.