FEAR NOT!

This past Saturday, I shared my testimony with a wonderful group of women.  It was quite a day, I was so encouraged and blessed.  So I wanted to sit and blog what I shared with all of you, if it could make a difference in just one persons life, WOW!

Good morning everyone!  It is so good to see you, and to be able to share my testimony and teaching with you.  

I wasn't sure what to wear today...  I was thinking I could wear my superhero outfit, or my human outfit...  but then I just decided that I would wear this, black and blue.  You see I am living a life that is bruised, but it is NOT broken.  

This past year and a half has been tough.  I went in on June 13, 2017 for a total hip replacement, that went really well, but on June 14, 2017 when PT came in to get me up, I had suffered a stroke.  I had no heart beat.  They called a "code blue" and all the nurses were running to my room when my husband was walking down the hall to see me.  I have no idea what happened for the rest of the day...  but when I was alert enough, they took me for a CAT scan and an ultrasound, had an EKG...  and yes, it was a stroke, leaving me with a "tired brain" and a loss of vision in both eyes, "blind spots".

Having the "blind spots" in my vision and the sometimes tired brain, has been difficult.  It has limited the things I can do that I always could do.  I am still independent, but not as much as I used to be.  Walls move in front of my from time to time, and people just appear "poof" out of no where.  And the little things like the comb and toothpaste disappearing as soon as I get to the sink, only to find that they were playing hid and seek and turn up right where they are supposed to be.  And did you know that that counter that extends into the kitchen is quite solid?  I found that out yesterday.

And because of the stroke that caused these "blind spots", I had become afraid.  Fear...  every headache, every twinge...  was it another stroke?  Will I die this time?  

And anxiety...  I couldn't be in crowds, my claustrophobia was exacerbated because of the "blind spots"...  I started to shut down, didn't want to participate in anything, all I wanted was to be left alone.  

I had given the devil the "foothold" that he needed to plant the seeds of discouragement, defeat, despair...    But, I allowed it to happen, in my weakened state I wallowed in self pity.  Poor me...  I can't do anything...  I am so tired.  How can God use me now?  Yeah!!!  Pathetic!  And I know that now, but it was hard to see it then.  I felt broken.  Useless.  And who really cares? 

All I knew then was that I was so tired.  tired of everything.  I would shut down emotionally.  Crowds and noise would make things worse.  I didn't want to be like this...  but...  now what?

Melissa was getting married in July, and I remember her asking me this simple question that shook me to my core...  "Mom, aren't you excited that I am getting married?"  I wasn't showing it...  I wanted to, but I didn't know how.

I was reading my devotions, I can't tell you what day or what it was, but I began to weep...  I didn't know what was going on...  so I began to pray, I wept, I cried out to God...  Help me, Lord!

And this was His answer...  Isaiah 41:10 "fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will srengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Mmmm....  fear not, God is with me...  fear not, God is my God...  fear not, God will give me strength...  fear not, God will help me...  fear not, God will hold me up.

Praise God!!!!  I needed to stop defining and limiting my future in terms of my circumstances and start letting God be God.  He is greater than my circumstances.

John 14:27 ...   "Let not your heart be troubled... "

Let not MY heart be troubled, believe in God.  I needed to believe in God.  Trust God. Let God by my God.  My help.  My strength.  He WILL uphold with his righteous right hand.

I'm not going to let it stop me...

These past 3 weekends have been so much fun...  I had hoped after my hip replacement that I would be able to get back to swinging a bat and playing a little ball in the over 60's group...  maybe even get back to coaching and umping...  I was getting so excited at the thought. 

BUT...  that is not what was going to happen.  The hip is GREAT!!!  But, because of the stroke and the lasting effects of it (a bit of vision loss)...  my safety and the safety of others was what I needed to think about.  So no softball or basketball or coaching or umpiring...  so what now???

I love being outdoors, doing things...  I was frustrated at the thought I couldn't do anything.  And then 3 weeks ago David and I decided to do a short hike in Sandwich Notch...  Beede Falls.  What a blast we had...

A week later we decided to try it again and went to Diana's Baths.  I can't tell you how much fun and quite honestly how much confidence I felt after these two hikes.

So this past weekend we decided to do another hike.  Ripley Falls in Crawford Notch.  It wasn't a long hike, but it was challenging with rocks and roots and narrow paths.  And there were times when it seemed a bit too much...  but I didn't want to give up.  I've always been a believer that if you start something, you have got to give it your all and finish.  I'm sure there will be times when that may not happen...  but if I can, I will.

I am having fun...  and my "seeing eye" guy is so much help.  I definitely wouldn't be doing it without him.  He is so patient, and just lets me do what I need to to make it...  he is always there with an outstretched hand to get me up over that boulder or around that tree when I head right for it...  I swear those trees just move themselves right in my path to see what I am going to do... 

So, I am not going to let it stop me...  I have found something that I can do...  and it feels good. 

Feeling good and healthier...

So, March of 2017 I posted these pictures to show myself where I had been to where I had come.  I had been put on a healthier eating regimen in October 2016 by my cardiologist, and I decided along with the healthier eating I needed to start doing some exercising as well.  I was, and still am happy with that result.

Now fast forward a year...  the weight hasn't changed (so no new picture), but I am feeling so much better. 2017 was not an easy year with excruciating hip pain and then a hip replacement in June (Yay!!  no more pain) and the day after the replacement a stroke (vision impaired), so to still be at the place I am, I am extremely happy.  I am still eating healthy, and I am "working out" as much as I can.  I haven't lost any weight this past year, but I have gone down another size in jeans (24 then to an 18 now)...  so the toning continues?  I am hoping that as I continue this lifestyle that the weight will once again start to drop...  that would be a goal of mine to lose more...  but, and yes there is a but...  if this is me for a while longer, and I am healthy...  (I had my physical yesterday and the doctor is very pleased with where I am)...  then I won't focus on the losing as much as I will focus on being healthy.   

Sometimes it's just a struggle...

James 1:2-3  "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness."

This is one of those days...  it's a struggle...  but I know where my help comes from as I go through this trial...

Psalm 121:1-2  "I lift my eyes to the hills.  From where does my help come?  My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth."

Thy will be done!

Words I will live by in 2018 and beyond

I've been doing a lot of reflecting these past 6 months...  I guess having a life altering happening occur can do that to a person.  I have always known that life is fragile, but in June of 2017 I realized first hand that that is so.

June 13th a total hip replacement and that went GREAT!!!  June 14th a stroke and no heart rate...  I thank God that that was not the end of my life...  from that day I have realized that each day is a gift... and I cherish that gift more than anyone will know.

I have a small wall hanging at home that has come to mean so very much to me...  Live, Love, Laugh...  so in 2018 and beyond these are the words I will live by with a few added in.

Even if it is a bit more challenging with the vision issues resulting from the stroke I am going to live life to the fullest, love unconditionally, and laugh often.  And for others that already know the whacky me...  I am going to continue to jump in the puddles, sing silly songs and maybe even sing off key, dance even if there isn't any music and "walk like this".  And if you are going to join me in the puddles, dancing or "walking like this", please stay on my right side so I don't hit the wall...  hehe...  but yeah...  that would be very helpful.  :)