and more remembering.....

The four of us riding on Dad's Indian motorcycle to visit Grampa and Grammie...  me on the gas tank then Dad, then Bud and then Mom...  full house, but smiles all around.

Dad scooping me up after falling off the rolling barrel and carrying me into the house where Mom was waiting with the cold washcloth to wipe off the blood from under my chin and a bandaid to cover the boo boo so that I could go back outside and try it again.

My first minibike that Dad made sure was safe for me...  didn't have much power but it was safe...  got me where I needed to get to...  a bit slower than all the rest, but I got there.  I don't think Mom was too crazy about me having a minibike, but Dad was a good teacher, and I always wore my helmet...

Riding snowmobiles up Red Hill on the coldest of days.  So much fun!  Sitting behind my Dad, and then him letting me drive for a bit once we reached the summit.

more to come..... 

Remembering... continued.

I remember the times we went to the Long Island bridge and flew our kites.  Oh how they would soar in the wind, Dad making sure that they didn't get tangled in the overhead wires, and when they would sink into the lake, he would pull oh so hard, and up it would come flying right back up in the air.

Fishing trips to Half Way Brook up behind Uncle Hoarce and Aunt Ernestine's, or down to the damn on Lee Road behind Dick and June Young's.  Dad heading down the river first with Bud and me tagging behind and Mom always bringing up the rear making sure we didn't fall in.

Hunting with Dad.  We would go way out in the woods, and he would find the perfect tree for us to sit under and wait...  Dad making sure we had plenty of Hershey Bars so we wouldn't get to hungry.  He making sure that we sat just right, so that we would be up wind from any deer...  especially when we took out those candy bars...  don't want the deer to come and eat all our candy.

Dad stopping by the house on a cold winter's night in his big plow truck so that I could ride with him as he plowed down over the bridge and the roads on Long Island.  Feeling as if sometimes we were going to get sucked into the snowbanks as the snow drifted heavily just before and after the bridge.

Mom and me singing in the choir at church.  She sang with the adult choir and I sang with the junior choir.  Practicing our songs together.  How Mom loved to sing.

to be continued....... 

Remembering...

I'm sitting here this afternoon with thoughts (remembrances) flooding my mind.  They are good memories, fun memories....

The first one that came to mind was the hustle and bustle around the kitchen table at home as Mom was busy helping all those little boys with their activities, and Dad trying to teach them the lesson.  Mom was a den mother for the cub scouts and Dad was the cub master.  There was always so much excitement on those once a week meetings. 

Then another time was when Mom and Dad would take us to the field next door for a 2 on 2 game of softball.  It was always so funny because Mom was not an athlete at all...  but she would be right in there....  swinging the bat so awkwardly.  And Dad would let me use his baseball glove, and then laugh because he was left handed and it made it easier for him to get on base as I would have to take the glove off to throw the ball.

And another time was when I had a sewing project that I just couldn't do in 4-H.  Mom would sit patiently beside me at the sewing machine and guide me through each step....  I don't like sewing...

And Dad was the coach for the Meredith Farm Team.  Bud was a star pitcher for his team, Mom would watch every game, and Dad would when he could.  But most of all, Dad loved coaching those little guys, and he would let me help and play....  Every week, I would be by his side, learning everything he could teach me.

I had good role models when it came to working with children, and working hard, and loving their family, sacrificing for others...

I remember when we lived over the old laundromat on Moultonboro Neck Road.  There was a slanted floor on one end of the room, and Dad put an old bed spring on it and we would jump on it like a trampoline until people in the laundromat downstairs thought we were coming through the ceiling.  :)

To be continued...........

Seasons of Grief - Shock

What is shock?  It's a sudden, violent disturbance to the body.  Have you encountered this paralyzing reaction?  What are the circumstances?  Mine has been in the grief process of losing both my parents within 40 days of each other.

A numbess, an awareness that I wasn't in control, a realization that there's something missing from my life now.  There are days that I can go on and everything seems good, and then all of a sudden, out of the blue I am overtaken.  The shock really hasn't worn off...  and I am grief stricken.  I feel powerless to cope.  And to think striaght?  Hardly!

So what do I do?  I would like to say that I immediately go to Jesus, but I am human after all.  But then I feel His hand gently leading me to Himself.  And I realize that I can do nothing to make it better on my own, that I am totally dependent on Him for His guidance through this process.

"The Lord will give strength to His people; the Lord will bless His people with peace."  Psalm 29:11

Oh Lord, my feet have been swept out from under me, but in Your loving arms I am steady and secure.  Amen.

It's been long enough?

Today has been a really difficult day for me.  It started last night, as I lay in bed...  I started sobbing, feeling so alone.  Thoughts of Mom and Dad flooding my thoughts....  I kept reliving my travels with Dad to Concord and Laconia for his treatments, taking Mom to the nursing home and hospital for our visits with Dad, and her monthly visits for her doctor's appointments...  moving them to our home and sitting with them on their last days, holding their hands whispering to them "I love you!"  Reading the 23 Psalm and singing to them "Amazing Grace", "In the Garden" and "The Old Ruggged Cross".  

Then I think of the "well intentioned" friends that have tried to offer their help and encouragement...  "I know exactly how you feel" and  "You need to get on with it, it's been long enough" and "They wouldn't want you to be so sad".   Maybe I am holding on.  Maybe I should get over it.  Maybe it's been long enough.

Then I sit and read my Bible and devotional.  And I read that grieving is okay.  That it is part of the healing process.  And there is no time limit on grieving.   And everyone goes through the grieving process differently.    And that process can't be shut down because of time.  And no one else knows how I feel as we all experience grief differently.  God made us all different.  YAY!!!

"You have to take a day at a time.  Tomorrow may be different."   So I am taking it one day at a time, good days, not so good days....   I am me, and I will experience things differently than others, and that's okay...

So, here is my prayer...   Jesus, it is only by Your grace that I can be healed.  I commit my grieving process to You right now, and I promise to see this process through.  Amen.   

Losing a part of yourself.......

Today has been a day of reflection and remembering for me.  I have this great devotional given me by a wonderful friend titled "Through a Season of Grief - Devotions for your journey from mourning to joy".  It's not always an easy read, it makes me think and gives me things to do as I go through this grieving process.

Today's devotional title is "Losing a Part of Yourself".   I've never really thought of it like that, I have made the comment that I am an orphan now, so I guess I was subconsciously thinking it.  This is the first paragraph of the devotional, and I have read it over and over again, and yes, shed some tears..

"The loss of a close family member creates extra depth and complexity to your grief.  You shared a special and intimate connection with your loved one, and this relationship helped define who you were.  Losing this person has literally ripped you apart on the inside, leaving you unsure of your own identity."

And a question I have asked over and over is "How am I supposed to go on without them?"   My teachers, role models, friends, cheerleaders, the ones that shared my private jokes, my listeners, and the list goes on and on...   my parents are gone....  so who am I? 

Should my identity only be found in them?  No, but they have brought me up and been great role models..  So this is what I am going to do.  I am thankful to God that I was born to these two special people to be my parents.  But, that is not where my identity comes from, yes they were wonderful parents and I loved them dearly and miss them like crazy, but my identity can be found in Christ Jesus.

"If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God.  And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.  God is love.  Whoever lives in love loves in God, and God in him" 
1 John 4:15-16

Lord Jesus, piece me back together again with Your unfailing love.  Amen. 









 

I am sitting here listening to a CD titled Reflections, Praise and Worship Piano by Eric Wyse. So calming and relaxing. Thinking about everything that I have been doing this week in preparation for this coming weekend. Yes, a yard sale is taking shape for the weekend, cleaning out the "homestead" making it ready for our move in.

I am finding boxes and boxes of stuff, I know that they were treasures to the ones that packed it all, but I am finding much of it has little to no meaning to me. I am however finding some treasures that I will keep and that my brother will want... some special handmade pottery and painted ceramics that our parents have lovingly made. We have taken a piece or two that especially means something to us, and have invited my Dad's siblings in to choose something they might want as a special memory. Dad's old baseball gloves... to hold them close and smell the old leather and remembering him on the baseball field playing first base... police and deputy sheriff patches and badges and remembering him looking so handsome in his uniforms, and remembering how proud I was to have him as my dad.

It's been difficult finding so much, but at the same time, it has given me a chance to reminisce and shed tears and laugh, and yes, to also say out loud, "Mom, what were you thinking?" and then a smile... I can almost hear her say... you never know, you might need that someday... I know she kept everything and that it had some special meaning, but I would love to have gone through this all with her so that she could tell me what it all meant... Oh how I miss going through the photos with her and hearing her stories of growing up.

I miss Mom and Dad so much. There is a big hole in my heart with them gone, but going through all this stuff, that hole is filling up with the memories.... it's hard to think that they are gone, but they will never be forgotten, their memories will live on....

I love you Mom and Dad... I hope you knew how much...