What an incredible weekend! I'm going to start from the beginning.... Friday night... I met Susan at her house and rode with her to Alton Bay. We had a chance to catch up on things and happenings in our families and at CBC on our way there and on the way home.... The worship was great! and the message from the guest speaker, Hilda, was challenging...
Saturday morning and I was off to meet Susan once again for our ride to Alton Bay. Well, I'll spare the details, but we ended up taking our own cars... first thing to start the mornings retreat was to meet in our prayer and friendship circles, I think there were 11 in our group and such a diverse group (teachers, nurses, stay at home mom's, retirees, etc.)... then off to the sessions...
Through the worship before every session I could feel the Holy Spirit... such enthusiasm from the worship leaders, and you could tell they loved the Lord as they shared scripture and their talents with all of us.... Praising God with 132 women, sisters in Christ, I felt so blessed to be a part of it...
The sessions were challenging.. "What's behind your mask?" What is it that you are hiding from facing... I listened intently to what was being said... thinking, "what am I hiding? what mask am I wearing?" I wasn't coming up with anything.... "maybe I'm not wearing one. but how can that be, I'm certainly not perfect. I'm definitely not there yet." I kept listening to what Sharon was saying, intently.... and I didn't have an answer...
Ah, lunch time... sitting around a table of 8, meeting new people, renewing friendships with others.... sharing and laughing as if we had known each other for ever.... just love that... and then came an afternoon of activities and free time.... some went hiking, some made jewelry, some napped and me, I went off by myself to read my Bible and pray...
This is what I prayed.... Psalm 139:23 + 24. "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." I don't know how many times I read these verses, or prayed these words... but we had 4 1/2 hours of free time.... so it was more than once.... I studied what it said... I appealed to God that He would reveal anything and everything to me. I prayed that He let me see it, and that He remove it from me. I read through the book of Proverbs, "Hear my cry" over and over.... and I felt nothing.
The last session of the day came... it was nothing short of beautiful. Worship and Sharon's message... we had been given a piece of paper at the beginning of the session, and at the end we were asked to write on that paper what was behind our mask... I sat there... with nothing... then we were asked for those who wanted to to go forward and nail that paper to the cross and give it to Jesus... I watched as one after another of those sisters in Christ went forward and some gently tapping the nail, and then some others pounding the nail.... and I still hadn't come up with anything.... so I sat there, praying..... dropping my paper back in my bag.... After the session I decided to go right home, not stay for the prayer and friendship circle time... I was exhausted, and I had an hour drive home.... needed to be ready for Sunday morning...
Sunday, and oh my goodness.... we slept until 8:30am and I had to leave by 8:45am... or I had planned on it anyways so that I could have a bit of time without rushing.... I didn't leave home until 9:10am, and I made it there with minutes to spare.... phew!! Nothing could have prepared me for what was going to happen there that morning.... worship was uplifting, encouraging. I felt drawn in. Then testimonies were shared, one right after another... how God had used the weekend to speak to each one, and then Becky got up to speak... and I remember clearly hearing the words.... "none of us are perfect", "none of us have reached our goal".... right then I heard a small voice say "that's right, Sharon... you're not perfect, you definitely have not reached your goal".... "I have heard your cry, and you have not heard my reply"... the tears started to flow, my heart hurt.... I had been praying, but I had not opened my heart to hear... I am listening now, Lord.... help me.... what have I been hiding... not letting go of.... resentment and anger... "you need to deal with these".... I needed a tissue... should have used more than one...
I didn't even know that I was holding onto the anger and resentment until that moment. And then... yes God.... I have been angry with you, and resented you.... for taking my Mom and Dad from me just a month and a half apart. I wasn't ready.... You see, my Dad had been diagnosed with lung cancer in July of 2010, my Mom had been diagnosed in 1999 with pulmonary fibrosis of the lungs and bronchial obliterans organized pneumonia.... and in 2000 was diagnosed with breast cancer... she was a fighter and had been a cancer survivor for all those years with no sign of cancer after her surgery. I drove Dad to most of his chemo and radiation treatments and Mom would come along and we had some really sweet and precious times together through it all. Dad shared stories and Mom would laugh. And I got to really know my parents... how much they loved each other, and how much they sacrificed for my brother and me as we grew up... how much they loved us.... We almost lost Dad in October 2010 from his treatments, not the cancer... but praise the Lord, he pulled through and the next step was a nursing home. He was getting great care, but he really wanted to come home, so in February we moved him back home. I spent the first week staying with them, and then because I had work, one of Dad's sister offered to come spend the nights so that I could get some much needed sleep. Mom and Dad decided that it would be best if they moved in with us, so March 5 we moved them down... each in their wheelchairs.... what a ride they got going through the snow.... Things were going well... Mom was much more relaxed and had started eating better... Dad was Dad... not much else to say... I loved having them with us... Dad's sisters and two niece's would take turns coming in to stay with them Monday through Friday so I could work, and my brother would come on Sundays for a couple of hours so that David and I could go to church. Can't say that it wasn't hard at times, actually most of the time, but I would do it all again if given the chance... Then we started noticing Mom getting weaker, and she was the strong one.. She developed pneumonia that was diagnosed on April 3, and on the morning of April 6th, 2011 while I was sitting on the floor holding her hand and singing Amazing Grace, Mom took her last breath. Heartbreak! Why God? Why? I had to hold it together... Dad needed to be told so my brother and I sat beside him and told him, I took him to the bedroom to say his goodbyes... the hardest thing I have ever had to do was to watch my Dad cry and hug and kiss the woman he had loved for 56 1/2 years, and to say his final goodbye... From that point on, Dad didn't eat much, he refused xrays and medicines... the hospice nurses and doctor felt his cancer was spreading, and on May 17, 2011 while my brother and I were sitting with him, Dad took his last breath. It was okay, I was okay....
but, it wasn't okay and I wasn't okay, and it took this weekend to realize it. I resented God for taking Mom and Dad away from me... I was angry with Him for taking them away from me... oh how my heart was aching... and then I felt His arms wrapped around me, comforting me, telling me it was okay, and that He loved me. And He reminded me that I will see them again... you see Dad had received Christ December 18, 2010 while at the nursing home with a very dear friend of mine, and Mom received Christ March 17, 2011 with me in her room at home.
I know that God is not finished with me yet, as I still have not reached that finish line.... Philippians 3:12-16.
Thank you Becky and Sharon for sharing the same vision. For your love and caring enough to bring the message that was shared. Thank you Marilyn and Jennie for your hearts of worship as you led us to the foot of the cross. Thank you to the prayer leaders, the cooks in the kitchen, the behind the scenes people that made it all come together... It's a weekend that I was blessed to be a part of...
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