Okay, so I have updated you along the way of how things are going... but now I feel the need to start at the beginning... some of you have heard it all before... but you haven't really... this is more about how I dealt with it than what has been going on.
I started having the health concerns mid June... I figured I was just tired and stressed. Yeah, that was it... but when it persisted into a couple of weeks, I was beginning to think that something was seriously wrong. I really thought that with my gasping for air, and my breathing "hiccups", and pounding in my chest that I had something terribly wrong. I was scared... really scared.
You see both of my parents had lung diseases... I had watched my mother gasp for a breath of air through the years of her illnesses... and watched my father suffer with his treatments for lung cancer. Both cruel diseases.
I was scared! I wanted to be prepared for whatever was going to happen. I called my doctor for an appointment to see him... called my attorney and set up an appointment to make all the final arrangements so that everything would be prepared for the inevitable.
I cried, I withdrew, I was afraid.... I could do nothing, I felt useless... I pleaded with God, I argued with God, I bargained with God...
I could do nothing... I couldn't play with our "little men", I couldn't walk across the room... I couldn't cook and clean up my mess in the kitchen... I couldn't do the laundry... I did nothing... I WAS USELESS!!!
What could I do? Lord, I need answers... what is going on?
And then I started to read... The Bible... really read it... taking to heart everything... the best I could... I began to realize that God had not left me, I had been trying to do it on my own... it was okay for me to cry out to him... but I didn't need to be afraid because He had everything under control... that was and is a hard one... I wasn't useless, I just needed time to heal from whatever was going on... bargaining with God was not going to help because He had this plan all along... He was going to use this point in my life for good... what was or is that good? I still am not sure... but I do know that slowing down, saying no, spending more time with Him... it has been good for me... I am learning so much... I am taking one day at a time... instead of rushing ahead and always being busy...
I still have not had a diagnosis from all the tests, and I am really okay with that... I have met some really nice people.. I have had opportunities to talk with people... to pray with people... share my faith with people... I have learned to listen... not just to their words, but to look into their eyes and maybe see pain or worry that I could relate to... not to understand what they are going through, or how they are feeling... no one can do that because we aren't that person... but to be more sensitive... to sense the hurt they might be feeling.
My prayer life has also been affected by all this... it's not about my desires... but it is asking for forgiveness and seeking God's will in everything... what a difference that has made in my life.
I am happy to write that I am feeling so much better... but I still have a bit of a ways to go to get back to "normal", if that is possible. :) I can also say that through all of this, I am growing... I have a long ways to go... God isn't finished with me yet... He has the master plan for my life. I don't need to be afraid or worry... He has this. My life is in good hands.